Uncertainty

I started writing an entry yesterday that I would post here, and might still do it, but right now there are some things I must get off my chest.  There's an anger inside of me that I cannot seem to get rid of for the life of me. I took Minnie to the doctor today and while we were driving we were talking about Jake.  In case you missed it in a prior entry, Jake is home with me yet again-the hows and whys of that are to come in a later entry.  But I realized something, something huge about him today...I've hated him, I've held contempt for him, I've thought he was stupid, cruel, petty, arrogant, selfish, and many many other things...But up until two weeks ago, I was not afraid of him.  After the night that left me bruised, something just wouldn't quit nagging at me.  I felt so hollow, like something had been taken out of me-and there wasn't much there anyway.

Today I realized that the scales have tipped.  I still feel that I could hold my own in a fight against Jake if it came down to that-if it was a fair fight.  If I'm not ill, if it's a true man-on-man (or woman) fist fight.  But what about the nights like that one, when I'm not physically well?  What if he gets my .45?  I don't trust him and haven't in forever, but after the....well, for lack of a better word, lunacy that he has exhibited over the last year...he scares me.  It took a lot for me to admit that I'm walking on eggshells in my own home, smoothing things over to keep him from brooding or going off.  I am my mother.  May I just add that I HATE that realization....My sister is getting out of a dangerous relationship as well.  I'm not at liberty to say what she's been through, that isn't my place, but the fact that Mom signed for both of us to get married at 17, we both have abusive (in one way or another) husbands, we're both having a hell of a time getting out of the relationships...is there something that was coded into our brains that we would want the wrong kind of guy?  Is there a reason we can't let go of these "men," something causing us to hold onto a love that we really don't feel anymore?  Is there a reason Mom sent both of her daughters into marriage at such a young age?  Granted, Lisa wanted to get married and wasn't doing it for any other reason, but what was Mom's reasoning?  Did she want us to be like her?  She certainly likes to tell us when we make the same mistakes she did.  I don't know the answer to that.

I don't know why I can't seem to get rid of Jake once and for all either.  Every time he comes back to me he promises me the moon and the stars.  I let go of the terrible things that he has done to me, even if only momentarily, and focus on the few good times we've had.  I want to believe what he's feeding me-I want to have a stable, loving family for my boys, one that doesn't have them being shuttled between Mommy's house and Daddy's house.  I don't know if I can give them that anymore, because it means being with a man that I absolutely despise.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this, or where I'm going to start.  When I contacted my lawyer and left a message to stop the divorce proceedings and bill me for anything else I owed him, I never heard back.  I keep wishing that maybe he just quit and nothing was processed through the court, and that my divorce would still be final in May.  If it was, it would be an easy end to this never-ending battle.  He'd have to leave the house and I would have residential custody.  The heart of the matter is that I'm afraid to divorce him.  I'm afraid of his reaction.  He might take the kids, he might shoot all of us, he could stalk me, cause me to call the cops on him again..or if I had my way, he'd disappear back to Arizona and leave us all alone.  The problem with that lies in the way my children idolize him.  For all his many many faults, he is a good father for the most part.

I'm looking forward to getting regular therapy, having someone to talk me through my options and the fear that I'm dealing with.  I've been doing Zumba-I'm excited because I got my new dance shoes in the mail from Zappos today-and I'm losing weight fairly quickly.  I have about 70 pounds to lose before I hit my goal weight, but I'm excited about that.  I've got better makeup that doesn't leave my face as broken out as it has been.  I've made a few friends that I can hang out with and talk to.  I'm working on rebuilding me and my confidence.  Having someone to talk me through it will be helpful.

I might write the other entry later, the one I started and left in my notebook.  For now I had to get this off of my chest.