Today...today is difficult. The holy terror that I call husband announced *he* is leaving *me*-after I found a dime bag of pot in his car. Well legally, my car. We had it out again last night about the lies and the abusive behaviors. This time I got in the Mommymobile and left. I didn't want it to escalate. I drove to the Food City parking lot and just sat there and cried. I texted my sister and she called me. I always try to be fair and accurate in my retelling of events-I include my own shortcomings as well. She agreed with me though-I didn't do anything wrong this time. My mistake was that I had the audacity to speak to him, to point out his mistakes...What a dumbass bitch, thinking she could talk to him that way! Then this morning, purely on a whim-I still don't know what made me do it-I looked in the Chevy. I didn't have to look long or hard-I just popped open the center console and there were the drugs. Regardless of your personal opinion of marijuana the fact remains that it is illegal. As such, it is completely irresponsible for a parent to be a user. Should he get busted (he only THINKS he's invincible) it could result in jail time (he has a past drug-related felony)-and that starts the spiral of us losing our house when he loses his job (and finds himself having immense difficulty finding another), and in an extreme case result in us losing the kids. That is unacceptable and I will NOT stand for it. The risk is apparently worth it for him-and believe me, I have spent hours trying to make him aware of the potential consequences. He just doesn't care.
It's obvious that this "marriage" will never work out and it's in the best interest of everyone if he leaves. My oldest son will be heartbroken, but it would be far worse if Jake stays. The problem is that he'll never actually leave. He threatens to do so on a weekly basis, but then when I tell him to get out and refuses and tells me he won't go short of me calling the cops. I have to get in touch with my lawyer to see what the possibility of continuing with my divorce might be. My court date had been slated for May, so we'll see what we can do I guess. Actually, I just sent him an email. I'm anxious to hear back from him.
I have a hard time dealing with the idea of divorce. I truly believe marriage is meant to be forever and I meant my vows both times I said them-then I proceeded to break the vows each time. In a lot of ways I've always felt like I was betraying Nathan every time I was with someone else after the original marriage. I had promised him forever and I failed to deliver.
I guess it's time for me to be alone for a while. I'm not stable enough for a healthy relationship-I don't even know if I know what a healthy relationship is. I'm going to learn to love myself and stand on my own two feet before I even consider dating again. To be honest...I. AM. TERRIFIED. I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of being judged, I'm afraid of how Jake will handle this...I'm just plain scared. I can do this. I have to do this if I'm ever going to get past this stuff.
Wish me luck, pray, do whatever it is you believe in if you don't mind. I will be needing all of the support I can get.
My ideas about marriage and divorce differ significantly from your own, but I'm so sorry it hurts you so much. I really feel this will be good for you, in the long run; your son's going to be disappointed in both his parents (particularly his father, at this rate) throughout his life. But if you get to a happy, stable point in your own, you'll be able to provide him a bedrock of support that will mean and matter more than he'll probably ever know. And I know you can do it, too.
ReplyDelete