I'm sitting here clicking, watching infomercials on TV while I play pool on Facebook, wishing someone would call or text or IM or something. I'm just so so lonely tonight. I can't stop thinking about work, about the position I applied for but probably won't get because I found out who my competition is and will get, about staying positive, about my diet (I've lost 15 pounds! 65 to go!), about being a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding (that was unexpected), about the possibility of my sister shipping out earlier than expected...
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE. I want someone to step in and hang out with me for a while, share a drink, go dancing, veg out together to keep our minds focused on the moment we're in and nothing else. I actually had plans Friday night but they fell through-that happens when children are sick. :-/ The thing is (and not in the case of Friday, mind you), I always feel like the last choice. I'm second best-sometimes third or worse. I'm not the cool, decisive, take-charge, beautiful friend. I'm the loser that follows your lead and does whatever you want because I NEED to be accepted and loved. I need to feel entertaining, funny, pretty, smart...human.
I haven't wanted to sit down and blog about the past because I'm trying to figure out my present. I feel like a consolation prize-to Jake, because I'm sure as hell not what he wants in a woman. To the few friends I have, because I'm not like most of them; I have responsibilities, I have to arrange for a sitter, and I am the complete opposite of spontaneous. (Although, for the record, I would really really like to be spontaneous).
I shouldn't blog this next part but I'm going to. I need this out, by George.
There is one more that I won't name here, someone I have felt so close to for the duration of our acquaintance, have always loved...but I am nothing to them except a handy substitute. I want this person to love me in return, desperately. I have told this person so. This person is willing to hang out, to hold me, to look into my eyes and make me feel safe, but that's where it ends. At the end of the day we return to our respective lives (or lack thereof in my case). This person breaks my heart and I allow it to happen, give my heart freely knowing it will be shattered, just to have that few minutes of peace. I guess it's fair, because I've dealt the other party a great deal of hurt in this relationship over the years. I only see this person once every few months, but when I part from their company I am so incredibly conflicted. For a few minutes, I can forget everything and be happy. I'm almost literally glowing throughout the few days afterward-people comment on how happy I look. But then I come down. I realize that I am being used, that I WANT this person to use me, because nobody else has ever made me feel the way they do. I feel so alive, so fun and...well, vibrant. This is what I need, what I absolutely crave, and what I absolutely cannot have. The other party doesn't want to hurt me although they are aware of the pain. I lie and say I'm fine, I say I can handle it, just pleasepleaseplease can I see you?
I'm pathetic. I realize that. It sure as hell doesn't make it hurt any less. I'm stuck in a worthless marriage, terrified of leaving the man I'm with, wanting freedom so much....but at what cost? I'm looking forward to getting started on my therapy because I need help to get myself out of here. How do I break my ties from Jake when I'm raising our children? How do I stop the other damaging relationships in my life? The one mentioned above? The one with my mother?
She came to my son's birthday party this week. I had to walk away from her because she wouldn't shut up, and she still kept going. I had company that wasn't family for once, so it pissed me off more than normal. It's in regards to visiting my sister-I said it didn't matter if we went on the same weekend and she said yes it did so that we could be there for all of my siblings birthdays (all in one weekend). I didn't know my brother was leaving the week after we plan to go because he doesn't talk to me. Anyway, it came down to her telling me that all I cared about was seeing my sister but she wanted to see my brother too (they're both in the Navy). It was untrue and mean-spirited so I walked away. Again, this took place at my son's party so I was trying to keep the drama at bay.
Just hours before the party she told me she's giving the baby pictures of me and my siblings to us because she doesn't have room for them-she's going to keep a collage of all of us and one photo of each family (one for each kid, basically). That hurt me. Pictures are significant to me-you'd have to pry baby pictures of my children from my cold dead hands. They're reminders-visuals of the times we spent together as they grew, something to show them when they're older, something they can show their own children someday. But then I guess in Mom's case there's nothing happy to remember us by, huh? I don't know, but it really, truly cut me when she said that. How do you not have room for a box of pictures? Put them under your bed or in your closet or hang them on the walls. You have room for DVDs and CDs and your damn dog. Wait, there's the solution! Get rid of the dog and you can keep your pictures where the puppy pads used to be!! No more poop! I've been storing Mom's boat on my basketball court since last summer, and up until recently I also had my step-dad's Camaro in my garage. I paid rent on a storage unit in AZ for most of her stuff for almost 2 years-stuff that included pictures-but she can't store a fucking box of pictures? Yeah, I have an issue with it. I will eventually have to address it with her. I actually went off on her a couple of weeks ago for not being there. We talked about it briefly after I finished venting-and when I say briefly I mean like 5 minutes-but it was never resolved. I will eventually end up chewing that woman a new one in front of everyone she knows and holds dear because that's the only way I can get an audience with her royal majesty.
Ugh...I don't even know where all of this came from tonight, but it sure feels good to get it out. One day I'll be the prime choice instead of a consolation prize. I'm not going to feel so fat and ugly, I'm not going to be tethered to a sinking relationship. I will be strong, beautiful, independent, and loved. I'll get there, just you wait and see.
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