What Is Love??

I'd like to start off by saying this was written earlier in the week, but I'm just now getting the chance to type it up.  This is also about my present, not my past.  I'm having a difficult time right now and I'm questioning my beliefs...it's as if everything I thought I knew was a lie.  That's where this entry stems from.

Love:
–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

Do I believe in love anymore?  I just don't know.  I've seen it, felt it, experienced it firsthand...but I don't think it's legit outside of family.  THAT'S where I know it exists.  The love I have for my children is unmatched-those kids are my world.  I cried like a baby when my oldest son sang "Just The Way You Are" to me.  My boys evoke true love and devotion from me.  I feel it-I miss them if we're apart, I'm happy when I hold them, I hurt when they hurt.  It's the same with my sister.  I *love* her.  we're as close as we can possibly be.  So I know it exists, at least in a familiar sense.

But love between two adults?  Romantic love?  I don't know.  I've hidden behind fairy tales my entire life.  I've always wanted to believe in love, in marriage, in my dreams...so I did.  I lived my life according to the belief that people are good and honest and rejected anything that would burst my idealistic little bubble.  I pushed people away when they did something I perceived as wrong-and I was a goody two-shoes, so that's a lot of people.  As I got older I dived into many different types of relationships and grew increasingly disappointed.  There was the emotionally supportive guy that cheated on me, the condescending jerk that cheated on me, the clingy guy that cheated on me...I'm not sure many people have the ability to remain faithful to one person.  I know that I am capable of doing so, but for me I have to trust the other person and know that we're both fully committed before I'm willing to spend all of my time and energy on that person.  It's a lesson well-learned.  It goes beyond them cheating.  It's the lies, the sneaking around, the art of deceiving me that they were so very skilled in that bothered me.  Was I ignoring it because I didn't want to see it?  Or was I so stupid that I truly didn't know?  Or am I just that naive??

A lot of my relationships failed because I simply wasn't happy.  It might not have been the relationship itself, it's just that I somehow thought I might be happier with someone else.  Someone that was actually devoted to me.  Of course that wasn't always true, and it certainly wasn't fair to my significant other, but it's how I felt.  I've spent my entire life running, looking for someone that could make me feel safe and loved....but now I know I have to feel secure and loved alone before that will happen.  I was never content but I refused to accept that my insecurities came from my underlying issues and I was the only one that could fix it.  It was so much easier to make my current boyfriend into a scapegoat.

Now that I'm grown and I'm actually trying to heal my wounds, my "husband" enjoys pouring salt into them.  I don't know how to handle that emotionally.  There is no trust, no mutual interest outside of the children, no respect...hell, we don't even know each other.  I'm beginning to think that none of it is real, that a guy (or girl) will tell you whatever you want to hear to make it last and then sneak around and hurt you every time.

What happens when you had your one chance and blew it?  Everything has been misery since I left Nathan.  Granted, I wasn't happy when I was with him, but that was truly due to the situation we were in.  I was happy when we were just dating, but once we were married...I didn't like living in a lopsided trailer that was falling to pieces.  I didn't like living with the in-laws.  I didn't like being away from my family.  But since then...even in relatively stress-less situations, Jake has made things extremely difficult.  And I have blindly allowed him to do so, all in the name of "love."  Isn't that supposed to require two participants??  Maybe Mom was right-she said I was just like every other girl-that I wanted the bad boy so I could tame him.  Instead, he broke me.

And that's where it stands.  I'm broken.  I'm afraid to let anyone in, unable to trust, unable to be alone.  I feel...vulnerable.  I don't like it at all.  I've always tried to put on my brave face.  Now I feel like people can look at me and see my pain.  It leaves me feeling exposed.

It still feels weird for me, pouring my feelings out like this.  I'm making a huge effort to incorporate it into my daily life though.  I even had a major discussion with my mother this weekend.  We were out of town and I was driving, so she had nowhere to go.  Somehow or another the subject of my father came up...and she proceeded to tell me that I needed to stop being bitter and let go of it so I can move on with my life.  She's right, but she had no place talking to me about that.  I responded, "Mom, I love you to death but maybe you aren't the person that should be telling me this."  She pushed, said she was just trying to help me, and I stopped listening.
"You helped him hurt me."
"I had nothing to do with that."
"You didn't believe me.  You made me lie.  You left me."
I started bawling and it all came spilling out. We talked for a few hours, and I was completely honest and very frank.  Mom cried and said she regretted it and had to live with it every day.  I didn't hold back or try to spare her feelings.  It felt great, but it was pretty shaky ground we were covering.  I'm proud of myself for not backing down.  I think the talk helped me heal a little...speaking my mind and saying "this is NOT okay" helped me get at least a little bit of closure.

Now, though...now my heart is heavy.  I had to leave my house to get air last night, but he told me he was leaving by the end of the day today.  I don't know if he meant it this time but he certainly isn't answering my calls or texts.  He told Minnie he's done and doesn't want to deal with me anymore.  That leaves me to ask myself what I did that was so wrong that the person who used and abused me for six and a half years would leave me.  Oh wait, I stood up for myself.  I outgrew him.  Now I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm emotional and he doesn't want to deal with that-WILL NOT deal with that, more accurately.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'm going to handle it financially.  I don't know how to handle it mentally or emotionally or AT ALL.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around this but I just can't.  I'm not used to this, although I should be.  All my life I've been dealt blow after blow and each time I walked away intact.  Scarred maybe, but breathing.  This might be the blow that breaks my spirit.  I'm not good enough for a liar and a cheat?  Who am I good enough for?  Who would want to spend time with me?  How many people are left that still find me attractive or funny or even amusing?  And how can I ever learn to trust anyone?  Are there people that don't lie and hurt each other?  Is there truly such a thing as a functional, beneficial relationship? (I'm talking emotional here, not sexual or financial).

What I have always wanted is someone I can relate to.  I want to veg out and listen to music or play video games with them, go shopping with them, have long talks over drinks, go dancing, cuddle and watch movies, go hiking, play cards, cry on their shoulder, hold them when they're upset...I don't need money or expensive things, but I am in need of companionship.  I want a friend AND a lover.  I no longer think it's possible though.

So the question is, do I settle for less than what I want/need?  Or should I just skip all the disappointment and learn to stay single forever? I guess I'll just hold out and see what happens. I don't know when I became so disillusioned, but it happened.  I gave up on my fairy tale dream.  Now the task at hand is to learn to love myself so I can be in peace-ALONE.


Just a note...he didn't leave.  He won't.  Friggin' Minnie asked him not to.  So much for what I want, eh?