Arizona, State of Confusion

I'm not sure where I want to start tonight.  I'm in such a weird mood.  I was very productive today-drove Minnie to her appointment and ran her errands, exercised, paid bills, cleaned my house, did laundry-all of that usually leaves me feeling like I've accomplished something.  I also played the Keri Hilson song "Pretty Girl Rock" over and over again (I'm turning that into my anthem, slowly but surely), then put in my headphones and sang at the top of my lungs over my iPod.  The exercise was dancing, which usually helps.  Yet here I sit, just....numb. I'm not in any kind of mood really, when I've tried so hard to be in one today.  I just can't shake this cloud from over  my head.

So...I left off after having met Jake.  Our first date was June 22, 2004....it was Nathan's birthday, that's how I remember.  When he asked me out we were both wiping down tables in the lobby at Burger King-I didn't need any help doing that so I knew something was up.  He said his best friend was coming into town and they were going to Phoenix, that he knew I'd never been and wondered if I wanted to go.  I said yes without even thinking about it.  I was lonely, I felt sort of like an outcast given that I was still married even though I had left my husband 2000 miles behind me, I just said yes.  If only I could have a talk with my 17-year-old self....but I can't.

I found myself meeting his mother in Phoenix, eating at the Waffle House and walking around the mall, then going to see the Crusty Demons Global Assault Tour (motocross).  That was the first and last time Jake ever chose to look at me over another woman.  The dancers came out, clad in only bikinis, and he refused to look at them.  He said I was the only woman he had eyes for.  Hah, what a laugh.  Then as we drove back to Sierra Vista he kept reaching back and playing with my hair.  He came across as so sweet, so devoted.  I was an idiot and I fell for it.

Then I realized he still lived with his "ex"-girlfriend.  He still lived with her for the first few months of our relationship.  She was a stripper and I only got to go visit after he was sure she was out for the evening.

Then I found out he smoked and sold pot.  That speaks for itself.  I actually didn't resist it that much until I got pregnant with our first child, when I put my foot down.  Prior to meeting him I'd have never wanted to hook up with someone that dealt drugs, even if it was just pot.  I don't condone it; I smoked one time ever in my entire life and didn't care much for it. (It was with Delaney, out of an apple....what a weird situation that was).

Then it started with the women.  It came in so many stages, and it's all jumbled.  There were the girls at work: I found a "slut hall of fame" on his cell phone where he got the girls to life their uniforms so he could take pictures of their tits.  There was the time I drove for hours to find him only to locate him in the park with his arms around someone else. (With that one at least it had to have been an attention thing-she was a big girl that didn't have very good hygiene and that just isn't his style).  There were the phone numbers I found hidden in books.  There was the time I almost got another job but he was messing around with a girl there and she convinced the manager not to hire me.  There was the little blonde that he made out with behind the store in plain sight, then had over to his place one night.  There was the girl he made out with at work when I was pregnant the first time.  There was the time a girl dropped him off at home completely drunk and stoned out of his mind-I made him walk to get his car the next day.  There was the girl he met in a chat room.

I could honestly go on with that list forever.  I could add the bazillion times he promised he'd stop smoking pot which led to me discovering that he had never quit.  I could go on and on and on about the terrible parts of our relationship....and they were there from the very start.  There really wasn't any good.  He didn't hold me, we didn't have conversations, he never took me anywhere, it was like that from the beginning, yet my stubborn ass stayed.  Mom says it's because he was the bad boy and I wanted to tame him. She could be right, I don't know, but I stayed.

Nathan moved out to Arizona and became my (strictly platonic) roommate. He wanted me back but I wasn't having it.  I was entirely too stubborn to admit I was wrong and instead settled for having him as my closest friend. He was relentless in his efforts to reignite our failed relationship though, and I often found myself wanting to curl up in his bed instead of mine at night.  He bought me a 1/2 carat diamond bridal set while I was dating Jake.  He said he wanted me to have it because I never had one while we were together.  I told him no, told him to take it back, but he refused.  It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever owned.    He wore on me constantly, and eventually I called it off with Jake and accepted Nathan's proposal-it was right around Valentine's Day 2005.  I wore that gorgeous ring for a week before I went back to Jake.  I still can't tell you why I went back to him.

One of Nathan's last-ditch efforts happened one night when I fell asleep on the sofa bed watching a movie.  He curled up with me and held me, but when I woke up he was trying to put my hand down his pants.  It brought an instant flashback of my "father" and I flew into him.  He meant no harm, he said he wanted to make me believe I still wanted him. I did want him, but I thought I wanted Jake more.  We talked through the episode and I forgave him, and he continued living with me.

I quit Burger King, having decided that I had no future there because I wanted to stay with Jake.  I went to work at Aegis, a call center for American Express.  I hated that place but the pay was a big step up.  I met a girl named Trina and we hit it off really well.  We were right at about the same age, had the same interests in life/movies/music/whatever, and before you know it she moved in with Nathan and me.  I loved her dearly-she and I became very close.  We worked the 4 am shift then came home and donned workout gear.  We walked a mile down the street to the park, walked several miles there, then walked the mile back home.  I lost a TON of weight and started feeling really good about myself.

Then came the unfortunate circumstances that surrounded Nathan getting kicked out.  I know what I found, but it has never been cleared as to what actually happened, so I'm not going to discuss that here-I prefer to stick to facts and my opinions/feelings for this site, so that's all I'm going to write.  I did call the cops to have him escorted out so that Trina's relatives didn't hurt him-they were on their way down and they were ANGRY.  Mexican families are generally very close-knit and take offense if they believe a relative has been slighted in some way-Trina's family certainly was, and they'd have seriously injured Nathan.  If you ever read this Nathan, I didn't kick you out because I wanted to, just for the record.  I didn't believe your side of things at that time, but I did not want Johnny and the lot getting their hands on you.  For that-and for so many other things-I'm sorry.

That left just me and Trina.  The gas was in Nathan's name and he called and had it shut off, meaning I had to come up with money for a deposit to get it turned on in my name.  I was between checks and had nothing else of value, so I wound up pawning the bridal set he bought me.  I HATED parting with that...I've never owned anything else as beautiful.  I probably never will.

Trina was awfully possessive.  She didn't like it if I spend nights at Jake's.  She felt that I had to be at our place all the time.  My position was that I paid my bills and kept up my end of the bargain so it didn't matter what I did.  It got to the point where she was constantly screaming at me, always angry, so I eventually told her she'd have to find someplace to go because I was going to move in with Jake.  It didn't end well...we didn't speak anymore after she moved out.  I've searched for her on Facebook and the like but I haven't been able to find her.  I wish I could.  I'd like to make amends.

I knew Jake was talking about a proposal to my family and friends, but I didn't think he'd ever actually ask me to marry him....until the night he cooked me dinner.  He had called Minnie and she told him my favorite foods and how to cook them (except he put garlic salt in the okra, gross).  On April 24, 2005, we had a candlelit dinner that he made for me, complete with him playing a different song every two seconds and telling me to listen to the words because it was a metaphor.  I'd swear he said the word "metaphor" at least 60 times that night, and I'm not exaggerating.  Then he got down on one knee and produced a ring, asking me to become his wife.  I cried, I said yes, it was lovely...

At first, anyway.  Turns out he sold his tv to buy me the ring from a pawn shop-I still think it's very ugly, not my style at all (and this is a man who makes his living in retail, recognizing people's style).  He went the next day and bought himself a big screen tv.  The thought process behind that seemed very impulsive and selfish to me.  It's not that I'm angry that he didn't spend a lot on a ring, but I would have liked to have a new one and something that was representative of me/our love or whatever since I was supposed to wear it for the rest of my life.  I never told him I didn't like it though.  He seriously could've gone to JCPenney's and bought me a sapphire for $150 and I'd have been happier, but it didn't work out that way.

We were engaged.  That didn't change his habits one bit.  I came home on our first anniversary, June 22, 2005, to find that the same messages he had sent to me ("Who loves ya baby?", pictures of himself, etc), he had also sent to another girl he had met in a chat room.  I was so incredibly angry..I went and stayed at a friend's house but came back.

Then I missed my period.  June 30, 2005 I went to Walmart and bought an EPT pregnancy test.  It had a plus sign on it, but the second line was slightly faded.  This scared the shit out of me.  I flew over to a friend's house (I had been in the delivery room with her only a week before) and said, "Steph, what the fuck is this?"  She said, "Oh shit, come in."  I took three more pregnancy tests that day, including digital ones, just to make sure I was reading it correctly.  I called Jake and urged him to come home as soon as he could.  I bought a birthday card (his birthday was the next day) and put the pregnancy test in it, then proceeded to pace anxiously waiting for him to come home.  There was almost no reaction.  He said he was happy, but he sure as hell never showed it.

I left soon after, but I'll save that for another night.  I'll leave off with me finding out I was pregnant.  I was scared out of my mind but I was happy.  I have always known that I wanted a family, and the thought never EVER went through my head that maybe I shouldn't have the baby.  I love my children immensely and am eternally grateful that I have them, that I am honored enough to be their mother.  I remember Mom asking, 'So what are you gonna do?" To which I replied, "I'm gonna have a baby."  That was the end of that discussion.  He turns 5 on Wednesday, and he is a wonderful child.  I know most parents feel that way about their children but the chance to have a family and do it right is great for me.  I might have given up a lot of my childhood but it's not like I ever had one to begin with.  I do not resent my children and never have-I resent their father.  Happy early birthday to my baby. :)