What It Feels Like To Lose Your Mind

First of all I'd like to mention that I'm missing a journal from this time period.  I'm not pleased about that at all.

Arizona, take 2.  I was 17 years old, married, and branded a loser.  I was so determined to make something of myself though, so I moved back in with my parents and got my job back at Burger King.  If I had gone to work somewhere else-anywhere else-things might have been different. As I said before though, I wouldn't change things.  I am both crazy and a better person because of the things I dealt with.

Management had changed since I had gotten married and moved away.  My former boss was gone, replaced by a fellow named Jack.  Jack asked around the store about whether or not he wanted to hire me back, which resulted in the day and night managers fighting over who would get me on their shift because I was such a hard worker.  I walked into BK for an interview with Jack, and there I met my future husband.  I didn't like him.  Such a very cocky, arrogant jerk-very full of himself-quite the swaggering peacock.  I put on my best southern belle simper regardless in an effort to get the job, and was given the position.

I also applied for and started school at Cochise College.  I hadn't finalized my major but I wanted to be an elementary school teacher or a radiation therapist.  Maybe someday when I grow up I might still have that chance.

Going to school and college was so much fun and rewarding at the same time.  I started losing weight again and had a little bit more freedom given that I had my own car.  Nathan and I talked pretty frequently and he kept telling me he wanted to go to marriage counseling and work things out (how I wish I had listened).  I was having none of it, being a proud "fully grown woman that could care for herself," as I described myself in my journals.  I was stubborn but things were looking up so I thought I had the world at my feet and didn't need a man.

Then came the blowout with Dad.  I remember the last time he tried to beat any of us-he tried to put my brother's head through the glass in the stove but the twins attacked him together and held him back.  The football practices had paid off-they were bigger and stronger than the tyrant now.  I don't recall what led to the "final showdown," but somehow we all decided to confront dad together.  Me, the twins, my sister, and Mom sat down and told Dad we weren't having it anymore and told him exactly how we felt.  He said that his kids ganged up on him and blamed us for the divorce.  He took our van, my brother's dirtbike and the other brother's guitar, as well as our dog, and just left.  It was good but scary all at the same time.  We lived in fear that he might be coming back...I never saw my dad again after that day.  I talked to him one more time by phone-he gave me the only good piece of advice he ever imparted to me during that last conversation.  When I told him I was dating Jake (who was 9 years my senior), he said the reason a guy like that is dating someone so young is because nobody his age would have him-they'd already learned their lessons.  You were right that time, Daddy.  That's the only time I should have ever listened to you.

I intended to write a lot more tonight, but I'm quite inebriated and I can't stop crying.  I think I'll call it quits for the night.