I'm truly glad this blog is completed using an alias, because I believe I've been compromised. That makes it risky to write this next entry, because this is from the present, not my past. I run that risk tonight hoping that anyone reading this will know that it is for the sake of me getting better and nothing else, but unfortunately there are those that thrive on using other peoples' pain to advance their own purposes. So please, if you've discovered this by accident, keep it a secret. This is painful enough for me to write but it would be even worse to have it broadcast to people that are acquaintances, but are also self-made judges and juries. Don't judge me folks. This is my personal hell, and it hurts.
Just......GAH. Words cannot express my anger or hurt right now. To be so betrayed by someone you love and care for...again and again and again....and yet keep coming back for more abuse. Tonight it was physical.... choke hold with one arm, beating the upper back with the other....granted, it was immediately following a suicide attempt on my part which was wholly stupid and I stopped myself before it went any further, but that does not provide an excuse to beat a dog when it's down. And I'm not a weak person-it just so happens that I've spent the last several hours throwing everything in my stomach right back up. I smacked him, and I'm sorry that I did, but damn if it didn't feel GOOD. All of this over secrets, lies, and a double life. We both lead one, but he calls me delusional, paranoid, and crazy. And hell, maybe I am. But tonight....tonight went further than it ever should have. The sad part is the divorce was nearing its final stages when he smooth-talked his way back in, mainly using the children. (They didn't see any of this, we do not fight in front of the boys). They're my reason for living. They keep me sane. Him? He drags me down. Calls me fat, ugly, stupid, lazy. Maybe so, but that's no way to treat your spouse. He doesn't know the first thing about respect, so why should I expect him to behave in such a manner? He finally admitted he did wrong, I went off about it, and he turned it around on me. Says I'm my mother all over again, that I'm just like her. That hurts more than any other insult he could ever throw at me. He brings up my dad, foster care, my past...Tonight, I'm sorry that I ever let him in. I found myself sitting at the end of my driveway in tears, offering up prayers to someone that I have to believe is listening, afraid to doubt, needing to know there is some reason behind all of this insanity.
I want out. I can't stand on my own financially. He won't fucking bend either. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, he'll just start talking to me again, like it never happened, and we'll go along leading a lie. He promised me marriage counseling. He has promised me such at least twice a week for the last few months. Then he tells me that there's something wrong with me, that I have to work on my trust issues and my personal crazy before our marriage could ever work. Isn't that what I've been trying to do??? Get better? Be a better mom, a better wife, a better me?? All he does is knock me down.
I don't like how things have ended up. I don't like it when I'm retaliating, telling him how worthless he is. I become the very same person that I hate, and I don't like how that feels. None of it makes sense. So he's leaving me. Because I found out what he's doing on the side, *he's* leaving *me* yet again. Go figure. Then he'll go, screw everything he sees and get high off his ass, then start crying and missing me, wanting me back. There used to be so much good in our marriage, so much passion and even a few common interests. How did it come to this? When did his need for attention from his 14-year-old customers become greater than his need for me?
I'm ashamed. I don't wear my ring-first of all, it's a fake I bought at a flea market because he wouldn't buy me a replacement. Secondly, I'm ashamed to be with a man that holds so much animosity for me. I'm ashamed that I begged him tonight, pleaded with him not to go, to sit and talk to me and try to find a solution so it didn't have to come to this, to shield the kids from this kind of crap. As I write he is in his car sleeping like the drama queen he is. Well, technically it's my car, I own it, my name's on the title blahblahblah...it was given to him by Minnie-GIVEN to him-yet he constantly complains that he doesn't have a new car. Maybe he should think about working harder and getting one with a car payment. I'm paying my own.
My entire 6 (almost 7) year history with this man was thrown at me tonight. I despise him more and more each day.
Sorry. This might not be the place for this but I had to vent somewhere and I sure as hell don't have anyone to talk to here. Also, my back is burning from him pounding on it....I know the slap across the cheek didn't do nearly as much damage but it was briefly satisfying nonetheless, although it never should have happened. I did apologize for it but there was no forgiveness. This happened because he was trying to physically push me, but it still doesn't make it right.
Who am I? What have I become? I keep hoping that maybe it will all work out okay, he'll leave peacefully and pay for the divorce himself when some new trollop comes along and doesn't want anything to do with our children.
Happy Valentines Day. Guess I'm spending it technically single-or so I'm told. Woo fucking hoo.
Sorry again.
Sorry it took me so long to respond; I've been exhausted by a new job and wanted to give this the focus it deserved.
ReplyDelete-If you're worried about being compromised, blogger has an option so you can designate who can and can't read your blog (it's under "settings" and permissions;" you could invite me and whomever, blocking anyone else). It might be a good option to try so you feel free to write absolutely anything you want to write without worrying who sees it.
-Please don't apologize! Get angry, rant, curse, say anything and everything you want. It's your space, use it however the hell you want! Not that it should matter, but I certainly won't mind.
- I think you kind of mentioned this explicitly, but why do you keep letting him back into your life? I know he has a connection with your children, but it seems like he's reaching you and hurting you time and time again; how does he keep getting back in (and what could be done to stop it, if you want to)?
- You're really hard on yourself for slapping him, but it sounds like it was in self-defense/establishing your space to keep him from touching/hurting you. Why are you beating yourself up about it?
- It's ok to be angry.
- I wish I could do more to help. If I can, please let me know. Otherwise... I'm still here.
*Thanks for the tip! I might look into the permissions feature.
ReplyDelete*Thank you...it's hard for me sometimes, and all of my feelings are wrapped up in one ball. As I peel one or two layers off another five might fall off. I never know what I'm going to write about until I sit down and just do it.
*I wish I knew the answer to all of the questions in this paragraph. They're questions I frequently ask myself and can't explain. I don't know why I let him in, I don't know how to detach myself and make it so that he has no hold on me.
*I'm beating myself up about it because it's not who I am. I don't hit people. I don't rise to the bait and yell and scream at someone else. He makes me do it, and I don't like it. He brings out something in me that I have trouble controlling.
*Thank you. I know I say this frequently, but not enough. Thank you for hearing me.