Who Says?

Alright, time to address my issues and quit putting off admitting it.  I don't know if anyone will actually read this, but I have something I have to get off of my chest, and I have to do it now.

I'm ashamed.  Deeply, deeply ashamed of doing what I want to do with my life, following my heart and acting on my beliefs.  I don't like being judged, and I don't like it when people tell me that I am making a wrong decision and that is a FACT and not their opinion.  However, I guess that's the joy of putting it out there, right? If folks never know anything about me, the real me, what I think/feel/want, then they have nothing to judge other than the happy-go-lucky devoted mother/hard worker that I allow to be seen.  Which is safe.  But I am so so very TIRED of being safe, of not saying how I feel and what I want, all for the fear of people saying you know, that's a stupid decision.

So, with that said, so what if people think I'm stupid.  So what if they think that I'm making the wrong decision...it is mine to make.  I'm the one that will live with any possible consequences, I'm the one that will benefit if all is well.

Jake and I have been seeing a therapist.  It's been going on for a couple of months now, every week, and it has been WONDERFUL.  He's like a whole new person.  The finality of the divorce (it was official on 08/03/11) really hit him like a hammer.  We've been very careful about what the children are allowed to see/hear.  But...there's a very good chance that we have finally figured out where the problems originated and how to fix them.

(Side note-I highly recommend the book "Getting the Love You Want."  It's fantastic.)

We're communicating.  It goes beyond just saying hi, we actually TALK.  We have found common ground on where we stand.  And of course, what we discuss in therapy is private and protected, but the one piece of information that I am allowed to repeat is this-for things to work, we both have to be 100% totally committed to each other, have each others' backs, and not let anyone or anything stand in our way.  As the doc put it, it's us against the world.

I don't anticipate any support in this.  My sister was on board, but then she always is.  My mother backed me up, but was very hesitant.  The grandmother is a troll as always-possibly more so now than ever-but she's taking things in stride as much as she can.

I don't want to tell my brothers.  I don't want to tell my friends or my co-workers.  Granted, if I hadn't aired any of my problems to begin with, this wouldn't be an issue. In some ways that teaches me that what happens between me and Jake stays between me and Jake.  At the same time, I should be able to discuss issues with my friends and remain as such without judgment on their behalf, or having to fear that they suddenly think less of me.


I am doing well.  Exceptionally well.  I've lost a total of 50 lbs-I still have 50 to go, but by George, that's quite an accomplishment.  My doctor gave me a better health report this year-but I do have hyperinsulinemia (prediabetes) so I've changed my entire diet and am trying to exercise more.  The doc also gave me acne medication-here's hoping it works out for me as I've dealt with acne daily since I was 12.

My confidence is up, my happiness is soaring.  Things are going well.  Here's hoping that others folks can see it.  If not, their loss.

I Got Sunshine...

I haven't written in ages.  I haven't had the time or even the desire.  Things have changed-drastically and for the better.  Jake is gone.  The court date was yet again postponed because he won't go to mediation with me, but it is still happening.  He hasn't been as bad this time; his mood swings have been fewer and further between, and he hasn't yet come out and said he was seeing anyone.  That's okay, I haven't either.  Technically I'm not, but I do have a friend that I find myself wildly attracted to.  We've been out a couple of times, took our children to a movie together...I honestly enjoy spending time with said friend.  We have real, honest conversation for hours, and are both very into music/artsy stuff.  I at the very least have a fantastic new friend.

I've been making lots more new friends lately.  I did get that promotion, so I've been workingworkingworking...that tends to happen when you become a salaried employee vs hourly.  But outside of work, during the times when the kids are with their father and grandmother, I'm not sitting at home moping anymore.  I'm out, whether it's at dinner, at the movies, at the park, or wherever.  And I'm usually in very good company.  I'm afraid to say too much here until the divorce is final, just in case Jake ever stumbles upon it.

I don't have long to write, but wanted to check in.  Things are good.  I still have bouts of loneliness, I have times where I really wish I had someone to hold me (particularly when I was terrified during the recent storms), I have financial freakouts...but on the whole, I'm very close to happy.  I've lost weight, I'm wearing jeans I haven't worn in three years, I'm crocheting more (and getting paid for it!), I spend more time with the kids, I have more me time.  Your thoughts and prayers have been immensely appreciated, as always.  I just wanted to let you guys know they're working.

I love all of you.  Hope to write again very very soon.

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

I need advice-and I need it as soon as possible.  I'm faced with an upcoming event that will change my entire life, and I don't know what to do.

Easter Sunday: I woke up, got the kids and I dressed and ready for church, and set out to leave.  Jake would not get out of bed-not even to watch the kids open their Easter baskets.  So when I walked out to the garage and found his car parked behind me, I just grabbed his keys and went to move it.  Then, on instinct, I opened the console.  There was pot, and there was a bong.  I was furious, but I moved the car, took the keys in to him, then left for church.

I stayed gone for as long as I could-I went to a friend's house for an Easter egg hunt with the kids.  I came home, and he and his mother were in the yard.  He knew I wouldn't start in front his mother-I actually don't like to spread my business like that, no matter what he says about me.  I finally went inside for a nap when it became clear she wasn't leaving.  By the time she left, I was too tired to speak and he was ignoring me anyway.

Monday morning I tried talking-and was ignored and pushed away.  Jake promised we'd talk that night.  Monday night I came home and told him to proceed.  All he said was, "What do you want me to say?"  There was no remorse, no apology, and he acted so arrogant and sure of himself that it was infuriating.  Next thing you know, he was yelling at me and brought the kids' attention to it.  I went outside in the garage, sat in the dark and cried, praying.  I prayed for a sign, I prayed for peace within myself as I struggled to cope.

No more was said about it.  He's been somewhat attentive, but it's just annoying.  It's phony, and I'm certain he's still using.  I don't trust him, and I don't feel anything for him anymore.

Then today, I received a random email from my lawyer.  I have a court date scheduled-for MAY 11.  I could be done with all of this on MAY 11.  That scares me.  He still lives here, and he has no idea that the court date is still on yet.  I haven't figured out how to tell him.  I don't know how he'll react.  I don't know how I'll afford it.  I don't know how badly this will hurt my children.  I don't know how I'm going to arrange childcare.

A part of me is like yeah, go for it, this is YOUR time!  But another part of me is desperately afraid and wants to ignore the email.  This is my plea for responses.  PLEASE give me your opinion.  If you have this web address, then I value your opinion.  I need perspective...I need someone to hold my hand through this.  I'm scared.  I'm alone.  Please help.

Emotions Taking Me Over

I haven't written.  I haven't allowed myself time to feel.  I've been pouring all of my energies into my new job and my family and zoning out when I have alone time.  I spend every spare second doing mindless activities just to keep my fingers moving.

Then, when emotions finally catch up with me, they hit me HARD.  Hurt, anger, happiness-whatever it might be-once I allow myself to *feel* it consumes me.  Today's poison is anger.  It feels like I'm going to explode.  I went outside with my ipod and journal but even Grace Potter couldn't pull me back from the edge.  It was over something trivial, something that I would normally brush off.  It just seems like I've got this backlog of emotions that needed to escape and once I opened the flood gates it was all over.

I am very proud of myself for taking a step back though and not just allowing myself to pour all of that emotion out on an easy target.  By sitting outside I allowed myself time to think about it and realize that I wasn't really upset about what happened today. It also allowed me to figure out what my real problem was....but I don't know just yet how to handle the issues that have been building up.

I don't know how to get my rage to settle down...it's still here, lying just under the surface.  I think I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit.

Up To Speed

There's so much going on right now.  I got a promotion at work, which is wonderful and I'm thrilled, but this first bit is very time-consuming.  I look forward to the challenge, but I do admit my looong work hours have made it difficult to post anything here.

My 6-year-old cousin is in the hospital, riddled with cancer. The doctors have decided she isn't going to make it but they don't have any kind of time frame set for her.  If you pray, please do so for her and her immediate family.  It's such an unfortunate situation.

I have a severe sinus infection, ear infection, and laryngitis.  It makes for rough days of using my voice but squeaking every other word out.

My sister is in town, but I haven't seen her as much as I would like and she hasn't returned my calls for the last 2 days.  That probably has to do with the fact that she has been visiting our father, but still...it's difficult when I want to see her so much and I have to share her,

We did get to visit together last weekend.  I went up to Mom's to spend the night so that Mom wouldn't gripe about not getting to see my sister.  We shopped, we had dinner with our huge extended family, we got matching tattoos...it was wonderful overall. :)

Saturday afternoon we went to visit our grandparents' gravesite in Seymour.  Sis bought flowers and we spent some time cleaning off the tombstones.  We've both been up there several times, but we always went alone.  This was the first time we had gone together, and I thought it was really nice.  If our grandparents were looking down on us they'd have been proud of the young women that sat there holding on to each other to lessen the pain of life.  We reminisced, talking about the things we did with Mamaw and Papaw and how we used to squeeze in bed beside them.  Sis made sure it wasn't disrespectful then she laid down in the grass between their headstones, laying between them once again.  We sat and talked until it grew too chilly to stay any longer.  It was very peaceful, very calming.  This may be completely pointless to most people but it was a beautiful moment for my sister and myself...I wanted to make sure I addressed it so I could always come back and read about it/remind myself later.

I went back through and realized that I haven't written about my past in a while.  I know where I left off but I'm giving a mini-recap to help my brain sort through where I want to go with it.

• Kicked out, moved to AZ
• Married Nathan, moved to nowhere, TN
• Left Nathan for no good reason, moved to AZ
• Met Jake and got pregnant
• Tired of infidelity/lies, moved to TN to have my child

I remember coming home.  I remember being so scared of giving birth as a single mom, trying to figure out logistics of where I would live, where I would work, how I was going to pay for a child and all of the expenses that come along with him/her.  I just drove...I got really sick between Memphis and Nashville-the curvy roads did not agree with my pregnant sensibilities.  I cried most of the way.  I really didn't know what I was going to do.

Nathan was the one that sent me the money to move back to Tennessee. I still owe him that money plus about 5 billion dollars in interest.  I stashed my belongings at Minnie's house upon arriving, but I stayed at my mother's for the most part.  She got me a job with her as a janitor on the UT campus.  Talk about humiliating-having old school friends walk up to you when you're six months pregnant and scrubbing toilets for a living while they tell you about all of their classes and how wonderful their life is really sucks.  It happened quite frequently, actually....and I was always ashamed.  I was not at all proud of my job nor my condition.  

I had a brief fling with Nathan at this time. If I had half a brain, it would have been far more than a fling.  Here I was, pregnant with another man's child, and he still wanted to be with me.  My dumb ass didn't stay though.

I then became aware that Minnie and Jake had been talking on the phone and finally agreed to speak with him.  His forked tongue spun golden tales, and of course I believed every single one of them.  I mean, if a guy is willing to move 2000 miles just to be with the woman he loves it's proof he's willing to change, right?

Oh how very wrong I was.

It started small.  Late nights at work, snapping at me constantly, not holding me anymore, girls' phone numbers stashed in random places, phone calls that resulted in immediate hangups.....then I found out about the girls he was seeing and the drugs he was doing.  Every time it was the same, I would yell and cry and try to get him to explain, he would clam up and walk away.  He spent several nights sleeping in his car in parking lots.  It got progressively worse over the years...I could go into all of the ridiculous situations and the many times we said we would separate but I just don't want to.  This pattern continued for a very long time.  We bought a house, we had two children, life progressed-but he remained exactly the same.  And by the time I realized he was being emotionally abusive and the kind of trap I had myself in it was extremely difficult to extract myself from the situation because of the kids.

As it turned out, he left me, so I didn't have to worry about extracting myself.  Christmas 2009 was a very rough one for me...the day after Christmas we officially split.  we lived in the same home but we didn't speak. He moved out in February, to live with the one he called his "younger, prettier, skinnier" model.  Turns out he had been seeing her since the prior November.  When he left, I thought we'd be able to divorce amicably and figure out custody and things would finally be okay.

Again, my assumptions were waaaaay off base.  He went a little crazy himself.  He called me every single name under the sun-seriously, I don't think there's an insult he did not hurl at me.  (I don't like any of the words I'm about to use, but in order to accurately describe the situation it's necessary to repeat them).  I became a slut, a whore, a cunt, I had a cow's vagina, I was just like my mother, I was trash, I was fat, I was ugly, I had thousands of dimples in my ass, I slept with my entire family, my family was nothing but child-molesting trash....it just went on and on and on.

[For the record, none of them affected me as much as something he threw at me very early in our relationship, before I ever got pregnant-"I'm sorry I can't fuck you like your daddy."  That's the worst thing ANYONE has EVER said to me.]

His behavior became erratic.  I had to file an order of protection against him because he was constantly threatening me and leaving messages at my house and texting and calling and breaking things when he came to get the kids.  Then he started threatening to kill himself.  He took my kids walking on the railroad tracks.....and I flipped.  I actually left work that day and went and found him-he had already dropped my kids off at home.  I got him in the car, and I tried to take him to the hospital to get some help.  I was genuinely concerned about him.  He decided he didn't want to go, and jumped out of my moving vehicle in traffic just off the interstate ramp on Western Avenue.  I flipped.  I followed him for several minutes as he caused a complete scene, trying to coax him back into the car.  A friend from work saw him walking and even offered to stop and drive him home but he refused.  I eventually got him to get in, but I had to promise to take him to his house.  Two days later, Miss Younger-Skinnier-Prettier checked him in to Peninsula, and Mommy got to take the kids to visit Daddy at the hospital.  We were the only visitors he was allowed to have....that was actually nice because that meant Miss YSP couldn't be there to ruin things.  I'd already had to share Easter with my family with her.  

Upon his exit from Peninsula, Jake was doing quite well.  He was on meds-he was diagnosed as manic depressive by one doctor and bi-polar by another.  He was seeing a therapist, and his behavior/mood was improving.  

During this time I had reconnected with an old friend.  He had a little girl and was also going through a very painful divorce.  We hit it off right away and we dated-seriously-for several months.  Yup, there's that frying-pan-to-fire thing again.  He was very, very sweet to me.  My emotional (and sexual) needs were completely filled, and for the first time in years I was seen walking around with a smile on my face.  It was all well and good, but then once the first impressions wore off he became a mooch-and a pushy one at that.  I told him I didn't want him to live with me and he flipped, then we split.  That was in September last year.

Next thing you know, here comes Jake.  Same promises, same things as always.  I said no at LEAST 200 times, and I truly don't believe that to be an exaggeration.  Eventually he wore me down.  He promised marriage counseling.  He promised to be different.  This was in October.  Soon enough, he came home, and we started the cycle again.

And now?  Now I don't know where we stand.  I don't love him anymore-I don't even like him.  And honestly, I'm not even sure I ever DID love him.  He removed and blocked me from his Facebook, we don't speak about anything other than "the kids are going to the doctor on Friday" or "did you make the deposit yet?"

I can't stand this.  I don't know what to do.  I honestly cannot afford the alternative at this point in time.  How long do I remain in my loveless marriage???

On Discovering IMVU

Curse you, internet.  I've found a new addiction, and it's called IMVU.  I wish I hadn't stumbled across it, but I love it at the same time.  It's an escape.  There I can be thin and pretty and stylish-I can hide behind my avatar and meet people that only know me as a screen name.  It's not that different from regular chat rooms except everything is animated in 3D.  You can be who you want to be, dress and talk and act as you wish, and be free from the judgment of family and friends that refuse to allow you to be anything other than what they think you SHOULD be.  Granted, a good deal of users are only there for cybersex but if you find the right chat room you can engage in intelligent conversation.  But I found it strangely liberating...although I was at home in my pajamas, overweight, with an acne-ridden face and my hair poking out from my mini ponytail, I do not have to be that woman virtually.  You can choose to be male or female, straight/gay/bisexual/whatever orientation you are committed to, black/white/asian/hispanic/green/purple/whatever.  I tend to lean toward the gothic look, but that's something I abandoned in reality quite some time ago.  My family enjoyed making fun of my Hot Topic outfits with the bondage straps and hooks and unnecessary metal bits.  My "father" threatened to hang me from the ceiling and it creeped me out so much that I can never seem to forget the comment...or the look in his eyes.

So I rather enjoy this site, this place I can be myself freely and meet like-minded people.  I can explore different lifestyles by befriending people that don't mind sharing their thoughts and feelings with curious folk like me.  Maybe it's a little voyeuristic, but I enjoy it.  I enjoy going on and letting my avatar express my feelings with no fear of it backfiring.  I'm just sayin', IMVU is awesome-especially when I need someone to talk to.

What Is Love??

I'd like to start off by saying this was written earlier in the week, but I'm just now getting the chance to type it up.  This is also about my present, not my past.  I'm having a difficult time right now and I'm questioning my beliefs...it's as if everything I thought I knew was a lie.  That's where this entry stems from.

Love:
–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

Do I believe in love anymore?  I just don't know.  I've seen it, felt it, experienced it firsthand...but I don't think it's legit outside of family.  THAT'S where I know it exists.  The love I have for my children is unmatched-those kids are my world.  I cried like a baby when my oldest son sang "Just The Way You Are" to me.  My boys evoke true love and devotion from me.  I feel it-I miss them if we're apart, I'm happy when I hold them, I hurt when they hurt.  It's the same with my sister.  I *love* her.  we're as close as we can possibly be.  So I know it exists, at least in a familiar sense.

But love between two adults?  Romantic love?  I don't know.  I've hidden behind fairy tales my entire life.  I've always wanted to believe in love, in marriage, in my dreams...so I did.  I lived my life according to the belief that people are good and honest and rejected anything that would burst my idealistic little bubble.  I pushed people away when they did something I perceived as wrong-and I was a goody two-shoes, so that's a lot of people.  As I got older I dived into many different types of relationships and grew increasingly disappointed.  There was the emotionally supportive guy that cheated on me, the condescending jerk that cheated on me, the clingy guy that cheated on me...I'm not sure many people have the ability to remain faithful to one person.  I know that I am capable of doing so, but for me I have to trust the other person and know that we're both fully committed before I'm willing to spend all of my time and energy on that person.  It's a lesson well-learned.  It goes beyond them cheating.  It's the lies, the sneaking around, the art of deceiving me that they were so very skilled in that bothered me.  Was I ignoring it because I didn't want to see it?  Or was I so stupid that I truly didn't know?  Or am I just that naive??

A lot of my relationships failed because I simply wasn't happy.  It might not have been the relationship itself, it's just that I somehow thought I might be happier with someone else.  Someone that was actually devoted to me.  Of course that wasn't always true, and it certainly wasn't fair to my significant other, but it's how I felt.  I've spent my entire life running, looking for someone that could make me feel safe and loved....but now I know I have to feel secure and loved alone before that will happen.  I was never content but I refused to accept that my insecurities came from my underlying issues and I was the only one that could fix it.  It was so much easier to make my current boyfriend into a scapegoat.

Now that I'm grown and I'm actually trying to heal my wounds, my "husband" enjoys pouring salt into them.  I don't know how to handle that emotionally.  There is no trust, no mutual interest outside of the children, no respect...hell, we don't even know each other.  I'm beginning to think that none of it is real, that a guy (or girl) will tell you whatever you want to hear to make it last and then sneak around and hurt you every time.

What happens when you had your one chance and blew it?  Everything has been misery since I left Nathan.  Granted, I wasn't happy when I was with him, but that was truly due to the situation we were in.  I was happy when we were just dating, but once we were married...I didn't like living in a lopsided trailer that was falling to pieces.  I didn't like living with the in-laws.  I didn't like being away from my family.  But since then...even in relatively stress-less situations, Jake has made things extremely difficult.  And I have blindly allowed him to do so, all in the name of "love."  Isn't that supposed to require two participants??  Maybe Mom was right-she said I was just like every other girl-that I wanted the bad boy so I could tame him.  Instead, he broke me.

And that's where it stands.  I'm broken.  I'm afraid to let anyone in, unable to trust, unable to be alone.  I feel...vulnerable.  I don't like it at all.  I've always tried to put on my brave face.  Now I feel like people can look at me and see my pain.  It leaves me feeling exposed.

It still feels weird for me, pouring my feelings out like this.  I'm making a huge effort to incorporate it into my daily life though.  I even had a major discussion with my mother this weekend.  We were out of town and I was driving, so she had nowhere to go.  Somehow or another the subject of my father came up...and she proceeded to tell me that I needed to stop being bitter and let go of it so I can move on with my life.  She's right, but she had no place talking to me about that.  I responded, "Mom, I love you to death but maybe you aren't the person that should be telling me this."  She pushed, said she was just trying to help me, and I stopped listening.
"You helped him hurt me."
"I had nothing to do with that."
"You didn't believe me.  You made me lie.  You left me."
I started bawling and it all came spilling out. We talked for a few hours, and I was completely honest and very frank.  Mom cried and said she regretted it and had to live with it every day.  I didn't hold back or try to spare her feelings.  It felt great, but it was pretty shaky ground we were covering.  I'm proud of myself for not backing down.  I think the talk helped me heal a little...speaking my mind and saying "this is NOT okay" helped me get at least a little bit of closure.

Now, though...now my heart is heavy.  I had to leave my house to get air last night, but he told me he was leaving by the end of the day today.  I don't know if he meant it this time but he certainly isn't answering my calls or texts.  He told Minnie he's done and doesn't want to deal with me anymore.  That leaves me to ask myself what I did that was so wrong that the person who used and abused me for six and a half years would leave me.  Oh wait, I stood up for myself.  I outgrew him.  Now I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm emotional and he doesn't want to deal with that-WILL NOT deal with that, more accurately.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'm going to handle it financially.  I don't know how to handle it mentally or emotionally or AT ALL.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around this but I just can't.  I'm not used to this, although I should be.  All my life I've been dealt blow after blow and each time I walked away intact.  Scarred maybe, but breathing.  This might be the blow that breaks my spirit.  I'm not good enough for a liar and a cheat?  Who am I good enough for?  Who would want to spend time with me?  How many people are left that still find me attractive or funny or even amusing?  And how can I ever learn to trust anyone?  Are there people that don't lie and hurt each other?  Is there truly such a thing as a functional, beneficial relationship? (I'm talking emotional here, not sexual or financial).

What I have always wanted is someone I can relate to.  I want to veg out and listen to music or play video games with them, go shopping with them, have long talks over drinks, go dancing, cuddle and watch movies, go hiking, play cards, cry on their shoulder, hold them when they're upset...I don't need money or expensive things, but I am in need of companionship.  I want a friend AND a lover.  I no longer think it's possible though.

So the question is, do I settle for less than what I want/need?  Or should I just skip all the disappointment and learn to stay single forever? I guess I'll just hold out and see what happens. I don't know when I became so disillusioned, but it happened.  I gave up on my fairy tale dream.  Now the task at hand is to learn to love myself so I can be in peace-ALONE.


Just a note...he didn't leave.  He won't.  Friggin' Minnie asked him not to.  So much for what I want, eh?

Turning Point

Today...today is difficult.  The holy terror that I call husband announced *he* is leaving *me*-after I found a dime bag of pot in his car.  Well legally, my car.  We had it out again last night about the lies and the abusive behaviors.  This time I got in the Mommymobile and left.  I didn't want it to escalate.  I drove to the Food City parking lot and just sat there and cried.  I texted my sister and she called me.  I always try to be fair and accurate in my retelling of events-I include my own shortcomings as well.  She agreed with me though-I didn't do anything wrong this time.  My mistake was that I had the audacity to speak to him, to point out his mistakes...What a dumbass bitch, thinking she could talk to him that way!  Then this morning, purely on a whim-I still don't know what made me do it-I looked in the Chevy.  I didn't have to look long or hard-I just popped open the center console and there were the drugs.  Regardless of your personal opinion of marijuana the fact remains that it is illegal.  As such, it is completely irresponsible for a parent to be a user.  Should he get busted (he only THINKS he's invincible) it could result in jail time (he has a past drug-related felony)-and that starts the spiral of us losing our house when he loses his job (and finds himself having immense difficulty finding another), and in an extreme case result in us losing the kids.  That is unacceptable and I will NOT stand for it.  The risk is apparently worth it for him-and believe me, I have spent hours trying to make him aware of the potential consequences.  He just doesn't care.

It's obvious that this "marriage" will never work out and it's in the best interest of everyone if he leaves.  My oldest son will be heartbroken, but it would be far worse if Jake stays.  The problem is that he'll never actually leave.  He threatens to do so on a weekly basis, but then when I tell him to get out and refuses and tells me he won't go short of me calling the cops.  I have to get in touch with my lawyer to see what the possibility of continuing with my divorce might be.  My court date had been slated for May, so we'll see what we can do I guess.  Actually, I just sent him an email.  I'm anxious to hear back from him.

I have a hard time dealing with the idea of divorce.  I truly believe marriage is meant to be forever and I meant my vows both times I said them-then I proceeded to break the vows each time.  In a lot of ways I've always felt like I was betraying Nathan every time I was with someone else after the original marriage.  I had promised him forever and I failed to deliver.

I guess it's time for me to be alone for a while.  I'm not stable enough for a healthy relationship-I don't even know if I know what a healthy relationship is.  I'm going to learn to love myself and stand on my own two feet before I even consider dating again.  To be honest...I.  AM.  TERRIFIED.  I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of being judged, I'm afraid of how Jake will handle this...I'm just plain scared.  I can do this.  I have to do this if I'm ever going to get past this stuff.

Wish me luck, pray, do whatever it is you believe in if you don't mind.  I will be needing all of the support I can get.

Runner Up

Ever have one of those nights that you find yourself vegging out, completing mindless activities just to keep moving, to prevent thinking?  I've had about a week like that now. I've not wanted to face any emotion this week, but it comes to me anyway.  It was my son's birthday so I tried to keep the happy face on, because having happy Mommy means so much to him.  I tried my absolute best.  Tonight the mask is slipping.

I'm sitting here clicking, watching infomercials on TV while I play pool on Facebook, wishing someone would call or text or IM or something.  I'm just so so lonely tonight.  I can't stop thinking about work, about the position I applied for but probably won't get because I found out who my competition is and will get, about staying positive, about my diet (I've lost 15 pounds! 65 to go!), about being a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding (that was unexpected), about the possibility of my sister shipping out earlier than expected...

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE.  I want someone to step in and hang out with me for a while, share a drink, go dancing, veg out together to keep our minds focused on the moment we're in and nothing else.  I actually had plans Friday night but they fell through-that happens when children are sick. :-/  The thing is (and not in the case of Friday, mind you), I always feel like the last choice. I'm second best-sometimes third or worse.  I'm not the cool, decisive, take-charge, beautiful friend.  I'm the loser that follows your lead and does whatever you want because I NEED to be accepted and loved.  I need to feel entertaining, funny, pretty, smart...human.  

I haven't wanted to sit down and blog about the past because I'm trying to figure out my present.  I feel like a consolation prize-to Jake, because I'm sure as hell not what he wants in a woman.  To the few friends I have, because I'm not like most of them; I have responsibilities, I have to arrange for a sitter, and I am the complete opposite of spontaneous.  (Although, for the record, I would really really like to be spontaneous).  

I shouldn't blog this next part but I'm going to.  I need this out, by George.

There is one more that I won't name here, someone I have felt so close to for the duration of our acquaintance, have always loved...but I am nothing to them except a handy substitute.  I want this person to love me in return, desperately.  I have told this person so.  This person is willing to hang out, to hold me, to look into my eyes and make me feel safe, but that's where it ends.  At the end of the day we return to our respective lives (or lack thereof in my case).  This person breaks my heart and I allow it to happen, give my heart freely knowing it will be shattered, just to have that few minutes of peace.  I guess it's fair, because I've dealt the other party a great deal of hurt in this relationship over the years.  I only see this person once every few months, but when I part from their company I am so incredibly conflicted.  For a few minutes, I can forget everything and be happy.  I'm almost literally glowing throughout the few days afterward-people comment on how happy I look.  But then I come down.  I realize that I am being used, that I WANT this person to use me, because nobody else has ever made me feel the way they do.  I feel so alive, so fun and...well, vibrant.  This is what I need, what I absolutely crave, and what I absolutely cannot have. The other  party doesn't want to hurt me although they are aware of the pain.  I lie and say I'm fine, I say I can handle it, just pleasepleaseplease can I see you?  

I'm pathetic.  I realize that.  It sure as hell doesn't make it hurt any less.  I'm stuck in a worthless marriage, terrified of leaving the man I'm with, wanting freedom so much....but at what cost?  I'm looking forward to getting started on my therapy because I need help to get myself out of here.  How do I break my ties from Jake when I'm raising our children?  How do I stop the other damaging relationships in my life?  The one mentioned above?  The one with my mother?

She came to my son's birthday party this week.  I had to walk away from her because she wouldn't shut up, and she still kept going.  I had company that wasn't family for once, so it pissed me off more than normal.  It's in regards to visiting my sister-I said it didn't matter if we went on the same weekend and she said yes it did so that we could be there for all of my siblings birthdays (all in one weekend).  I didn't know my brother was leaving the week after we plan to go because he doesn't talk to me.  Anyway, it came down to her telling me that all I cared about was seeing my sister but she wanted to see my brother too (they're both in the Navy).  It was untrue and mean-spirited so I walked away.  Again, this took place at my son's party so I was trying to keep the drama at bay.

Just hours before the party she told me she's giving the baby pictures of me and my siblings to us because she doesn't have room for them-she's going to keep a collage of all of us and one photo of each family (one for each kid, basically).  That hurt me.  Pictures are significant to me-you'd have to pry baby pictures of my children from my cold dead hands.  They're reminders-visuals of the times we spent together as they grew, something to show them when they're older, something they can show their own children someday.  But then I guess in Mom's case there's nothing happy to remember us by, huh?  I don't know, but it really, truly cut me when she said that.  How do you not have room for a box of pictures?  Put them under your bed or in your closet or hang them on the walls.  You have room for DVDs and CDs and your damn dog.  Wait, there's the solution!  Get rid of the dog and you can keep your pictures where the puppy pads used to be!! No more poop!  I've been storing Mom's boat on my basketball court since last summer, and up until recently I also had my step-dad's Camaro in my garage.  I paid rent on a storage unit in AZ for most of her stuff for almost 2 years-stuff that included pictures-but she can't store a fucking box of pictures?  Yeah, I have an issue with it.  I will eventually have to address it with her.  I actually went off on her a couple of weeks ago for not being there.  We talked about it briefly after I finished venting-and when I say briefly I mean like 5 minutes-but it was never resolved.  I will eventually end up chewing that woman a new one in front of everyone she knows and holds dear because that's the only way I can get an audience with her royal majesty.

Ugh...I don't even know where all of this came from tonight, but it sure feels good to get it out.  One day I'll be the prime choice instead of a consolation prize.  I'm not going to feel so fat and ugly, I'm not going to be tethered to a sinking relationship.  I will be strong, beautiful, independent, and loved.  I'll get there, just you wait and see.

Uncertainty

I started writing an entry yesterday that I would post here, and might still do it, but right now there are some things I must get off my chest.  There's an anger inside of me that I cannot seem to get rid of for the life of me. I took Minnie to the doctor today and while we were driving we were talking about Jake.  In case you missed it in a prior entry, Jake is home with me yet again-the hows and whys of that are to come in a later entry.  But I realized something, something huge about him today...I've hated him, I've held contempt for him, I've thought he was stupid, cruel, petty, arrogant, selfish, and many many other things...But up until two weeks ago, I was not afraid of him.  After the night that left me bruised, something just wouldn't quit nagging at me.  I felt so hollow, like something had been taken out of me-and there wasn't much there anyway.

Today I realized that the scales have tipped.  I still feel that I could hold my own in a fight against Jake if it came down to that-if it was a fair fight.  If I'm not ill, if it's a true man-on-man (or woman) fist fight.  But what about the nights like that one, when I'm not physically well?  What if he gets my .45?  I don't trust him and haven't in forever, but after the....well, for lack of a better word, lunacy that he has exhibited over the last year...he scares me.  It took a lot for me to admit that I'm walking on eggshells in my own home, smoothing things over to keep him from brooding or going off.  I am my mother.  May I just add that I HATE that realization....My sister is getting out of a dangerous relationship as well.  I'm not at liberty to say what she's been through, that isn't my place, but the fact that Mom signed for both of us to get married at 17, we both have abusive (in one way or another) husbands, we're both having a hell of a time getting out of the relationships...is there something that was coded into our brains that we would want the wrong kind of guy?  Is there a reason we can't let go of these "men," something causing us to hold onto a love that we really don't feel anymore?  Is there a reason Mom sent both of her daughters into marriage at such a young age?  Granted, Lisa wanted to get married and wasn't doing it for any other reason, but what was Mom's reasoning?  Did she want us to be like her?  She certainly likes to tell us when we make the same mistakes she did.  I don't know the answer to that.

I don't know why I can't seem to get rid of Jake once and for all either.  Every time he comes back to me he promises me the moon and the stars.  I let go of the terrible things that he has done to me, even if only momentarily, and focus on the few good times we've had.  I want to believe what he's feeding me-I want to have a stable, loving family for my boys, one that doesn't have them being shuttled between Mommy's house and Daddy's house.  I don't know if I can give them that anymore, because it means being with a man that I absolutely despise.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this, or where I'm going to start.  When I contacted my lawyer and left a message to stop the divorce proceedings and bill me for anything else I owed him, I never heard back.  I keep wishing that maybe he just quit and nothing was processed through the court, and that my divorce would still be final in May.  If it was, it would be an easy end to this never-ending battle.  He'd have to leave the house and I would have residential custody.  The heart of the matter is that I'm afraid to divorce him.  I'm afraid of his reaction.  He might take the kids, he might shoot all of us, he could stalk me, cause me to call the cops on him again..or if I had my way, he'd disappear back to Arizona and leave us all alone.  The problem with that lies in the way my children idolize him.  For all his many many faults, he is a good father for the most part.

I'm looking forward to getting regular therapy, having someone to talk me through my options and the fear that I'm dealing with.  I've been doing Zumba-I'm excited because I got my new dance shoes in the mail from Zappos today-and I'm losing weight fairly quickly.  I have about 70 pounds to lose before I hit my goal weight, but I'm excited about that.  I've got better makeup that doesn't leave my face as broken out as it has been.  I've made a few friends that I can hang out with and talk to.  I'm working on rebuilding me and my confidence.  Having someone to talk me through it will be helpful.

I might write the other entry later, the one I started and left in my notebook.  For now I had to get this off of my chest.

Arizona, State of Confusion

I'm not sure where I want to start tonight.  I'm in such a weird mood.  I was very productive today-drove Minnie to her appointment and ran her errands, exercised, paid bills, cleaned my house, did laundry-all of that usually leaves me feeling like I've accomplished something.  I also played the Keri Hilson song "Pretty Girl Rock" over and over again (I'm turning that into my anthem, slowly but surely), then put in my headphones and sang at the top of my lungs over my iPod.  The exercise was dancing, which usually helps.  Yet here I sit, just....numb. I'm not in any kind of mood really, when I've tried so hard to be in one today.  I just can't shake this cloud from over  my head.

So...I left off after having met Jake.  Our first date was June 22, 2004....it was Nathan's birthday, that's how I remember.  When he asked me out we were both wiping down tables in the lobby at Burger King-I didn't need any help doing that so I knew something was up.  He said his best friend was coming into town and they were going to Phoenix, that he knew I'd never been and wondered if I wanted to go.  I said yes without even thinking about it.  I was lonely, I felt sort of like an outcast given that I was still married even though I had left my husband 2000 miles behind me, I just said yes.  If only I could have a talk with my 17-year-old self....but I can't.

I found myself meeting his mother in Phoenix, eating at the Waffle House and walking around the mall, then going to see the Crusty Demons Global Assault Tour (motocross).  That was the first and last time Jake ever chose to look at me over another woman.  The dancers came out, clad in only bikinis, and he refused to look at them.  He said I was the only woman he had eyes for.  Hah, what a laugh.  Then as we drove back to Sierra Vista he kept reaching back and playing with my hair.  He came across as so sweet, so devoted.  I was an idiot and I fell for it.

Then I realized he still lived with his "ex"-girlfriend.  He still lived with her for the first few months of our relationship.  She was a stripper and I only got to go visit after he was sure she was out for the evening.

Then I found out he smoked and sold pot.  That speaks for itself.  I actually didn't resist it that much until I got pregnant with our first child, when I put my foot down.  Prior to meeting him I'd have never wanted to hook up with someone that dealt drugs, even if it was just pot.  I don't condone it; I smoked one time ever in my entire life and didn't care much for it. (It was with Delaney, out of an apple....what a weird situation that was).

Then it started with the women.  It came in so many stages, and it's all jumbled.  There were the girls at work: I found a "slut hall of fame" on his cell phone where he got the girls to life their uniforms so he could take pictures of their tits.  There was the time I drove for hours to find him only to locate him in the park with his arms around someone else. (With that one at least it had to have been an attention thing-she was a big girl that didn't have very good hygiene and that just isn't his style).  There were the phone numbers I found hidden in books.  There was the time I almost got another job but he was messing around with a girl there and she convinced the manager not to hire me.  There was the little blonde that he made out with behind the store in plain sight, then had over to his place one night.  There was the girl he made out with at work when I was pregnant the first time.  There was the time a girl dropped him off at home completely drunk and stoned out of his mind-I made him walk to get his car the next day.  There was the girl he met in a chat room.

I could honestly go on with that list forever.  I could add the bazillion times he promised he'd stop smoking pot which led to me discovering that he had never quit.  I could go on and on and on about the terrible parts of our relationship....and they were there from the very start.  There really wasn't any good.  He didn't hold me, we didn't have conversations, he never took me anywhere, it was like that from the beginning, yet my stubborn ass stayed.  Mom says it's because he was the bad boy and I wanted to tame him. She could be right, I don't know, but I stayed.

Nathan moved out to Arizona and became my (strictly platonic) roommate. He wanted me back but I wasn't having it.  I was entirely too stubborn to admit I was wrong and instead settled for having him as my closest friend. He was relentless in his efforts to reignite our failed relationship though, and I often found myself wanting to curl up in his bed instead of mine at night.  He bought me a 1/2 carat diamond bridal set while I was dating Jake.  He said he wanted me to have it because I never had one while we were together.  I told him no, told him to take it back, but he refused.  It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever owned.    He wore on me constantly, and eventually I called it off with Jake and accepted Nathan's proposal-it was right around Valentine's Day 2005.  I wore that gorgeous ring for a week before I went back to Jake.  I still can't tell you why I went back to him.

One of Nathan's last-ditch efforts happened one night when I fell asleep on the sofa bed watching a movie.  He curled up with me and held me, but when I woke up he was trying to put my hand down his pants.  It brought an instant flashback of my "father" and I flew into him.  He meant no harm, he said he wanted to make me believe I still wanted him. I did want him, but I thought I wanted Jake more.  We talked through the episode and I forgave him, and he continued living with me.

I quit Burger King, having decided that I had no future there because I wanted to stay with Jake.  I went to work at Aegis, a call center for American Express.  I hated that place but the pay was a big step up.  I met a girl named Trina and we hit it off really well.  We were right at about the same age, had the same interests in life/movies/music/whatever, and before you know it she moved in with Nathan and me.  I loved her dearly-she and I became very close.  We worked the 4 am shift then came home and donned workout gear.  We walked a mile down the street to the park, walked several miles there, then walked the mile back home.  I lost a TON of weight and started feeling really good about myself.

Then came the unfortunate circumstances that surrounded Nathan getting kicked out.  I know what I found, but it has never been cleared as to what actually happened, so I'm not going to discuss that here-I prefer to stick to facts and my opinions/feelings for this site, so that's all I'm going to write.  I did call the cops to have him escorted out so that Trina's relatives didn't hurt him-they were on their way down and they were ANGRY.  Mexican families are generally very close-knit and take offense if they believe a relative has been slighted in some way-Trina's family certainly was, and they'd have seriously injured Nathan.  If you ever read this Nathan, I didn't kick you out because I wanted to, just for the record.  I didn't believe your side of things at that time, but I did not want Johnny and the lot getting their hands on you.  For that-and for so many other things-I'm sorry.

That left just me and Trina.  The gas was in Nathan's name and he called and had it shut off, meaning I had to come up with money for a deposit to get it turned on in my name.  I was between checks and had nothing else of value, so I wound up pawning the bridal set he bought me.  I HATED parting with that...I've never owned anything else as beautiful.  I probably never will.

Trina was awfully possessive.  She didn't like it if I spend nights at Jake's.  She felt that I had to be at our place all the time.  My position was that I paid my bills and kept up my end of the bargain so it didn't matter what I did.  It got to the point where she was constantly screaming at me, always angry, so I eventually told her she'd have to find someplace to go because I was going to move in with Jake.  It didn't end well...we didn't speak anymore after she moved out.  I've searched for her on Facebook and the like but I haven't been able to find her.  I wish I could.  I'd like to make amends.

I knew Jake was talking about a proposal to my family and friends, but I didn't think he'd ever actually ask me to marry him....until the night he cooked me dinner.  He had called Minnie and she told him my favorite foods and how to cook them (except he put garlic salt in the okra, gross).  On April 24, 2005, we had a candlelit dinner that he made for me, complete with him playing a different song every two seconds and telling me to listen to the words because it was a metaphor.  I'd swear he said the word "metaphor" at least 60 times that night, and I'm not exaggerating.  Then he got down on one knee and produced a ring, asking me to become his wife.  I cried, I said yes, it was lovely...

At first, anyway.  Turns out he sold his tv to buy me the ring from a pawn shop-I still think it's very ugly, not my style at all (and this is a man who makes his living in retail, recognizing people's style).  He went the next day and bought himself a big screen tv.  The thought process behind that seemed very impulsive and selfish to me.  It's not that I'm angry that he didn't spend a lot on a ring, but I would have liked to have a new one and something that was representative of me/our love or whatever since I was supposed to wear it for the rest of my life.  I never told him I didn't like it though.  He seriously could've gone to JCPenney's and bought me a sapphire for $150 and I'd have been happier, but it didn't work out that way.

We were engaged.  That didn't change his habits one bit.  I came home on our first anniversary, June 22, 2005, to find that the same messages he had sent to me ("Who loves ya baby?", pictures of himself, etc), he had also sent to another girl he had met in a chat room.  I was so incredibly angry..I went and stayed at a friend's house but came back.

Then I missed my period.  June 30, 2005 I went to Walmart and bought an EPT pregnancy test.  It had a plus sign on it, but the second line was slightly faded.  This scared the shit out of me.  I flew over to a friend's house (I had been in the delivery room with her only a week before) and said, "Steph, what the fuck is this?"  She said, "Oh shit, come in."  I took three more pregnancy tests that day, including digital ones, just to make sure I was reading it correctly.  I called Jake and urged him to come home as soon as he could.  I bought a birthday card (his birthday was the next day) and put the pregnancy test in it, then proceeded to pace anxiously waiting for him to come home.  There was almost no reaction.  He said he was happy, but he sure as hell never showed it.

I left soon after, but I'll save that for another night.  I'll leave off with me finding out I was pregnant.  I was scared out of my mind but I was happy.  I have always known that I wanted a family, and the thought never EVER went through my head that maybe I shouldn't have the baby.  I love my children immensely and am eternally grateful that I have them, that I am honored enough to be their mother.  I remember Mom asking, 'So what are you gonna do?" To which I replied, "I'm gonna have a baby."  That was the end of that discussion.  He turns 5 on Wednesday, and he is a wonderful child.  I know most parents feel that way about their children but the chance to have a family and do it right is great for me.  I might have given up a lot of my childhood but it's not like I ever had one to begin with.  I do not resent my children and never have-I resent their father.  Happy early birthday to my baby. :)

What It Feels Like To Lose Your Mind

First of all I'd like to mention that I'm missing a journal from this time period.  I'm not pleased about that at all.

Arizona, take 2.  I was 17 years old, married, and branded a loser.  I was so determined to make something of myself though, so I moved back in with my parents and got my job back at Burger King.  If I had gone to work somewhere else-anywhere else-things might have been different. As I said before though, I wouldn't change things.  I am both crazy and a better person because of the things I dealt with.

Management had changed since I had gotten married and moved away.  My former boss was gone, replaced by a fellow named Jack.  Jack asked around the store about whether or not he wanted to hire me back, which resulted in the day and night managers fighting over who would get me on their shift because I was such a hard worker.  I walked into BK for an interview with Jack, and there I met my future husband.  I didn't like him.  Such a very cocky, arrogant jerk-very full of himself-quite the swaggering peacock.  I put on my best southern belle simper regardless in an effort to get the job, and was given the position.

I also applied for and started school at Cochise College.  I hadn't finalized my major but I wanted to be an elementary school teacher or a radiation therapist.  Maybe someday when I grow up I might still have that chance.

Going to school and college was so much fun and rewarding at the same time.  I started losing weight again and had a little bit more freedom given that I had my own car.  Nathan and I talked pretty frequently and he kept telling me he wanted to go to marriage counseling and work things out (how I wish I had listened).  I was having none of it, being a proud "fully grown woman that could care for herself," as I described myself in my journals.  I was stubborn but things were looking up so I thought I had the world at my feet and didn't need a man.

Then came the blowout with Dad.  I remember the last time he tried to beat any of us-he tried to put my brother's head through the glass in the stove but the twins attacked him together and held him back.  The football practices had paid off-they were bigger and stronger than the tyrant now.  I don't recall what led to the "final showdown," but somehow we all decided to confront dad together.  Me, the twins, my sister, and Mom sat down and told Dad we weren't having it anymore and told him exactly how we felt.  He said that his kids ganged up on him and blamed us for the divorce.  He took our van, my brother's dirtbike and the other brother's guitar, as well as our dog, and just left.  It was good but scary all at the same time.  We lived in fear that he might be coming back...I never saw my dad again after that day.  I talked to him one more time by phone-he gave me the only good piece of advice he ever imparted to me during that last conversation.  When I told him I was dating Jake (who was 9 years my senior), he said the reason a guy like that is dating someone so young is because nobody his age would have him-they'd already learned their lessons.  You were right that time, Daddy.  That's the only time I should have ever listened to you.

I intended to write a lot more tonight, but I'm quite inebriated and I can't stop crying.  I think I'll call it quits for the night.

Shattered Dreams

I've been avoiding posting again, putting off having to deal with feelings.  After last week's abuse went too far, I didn't want to come back here and talk about more things that hurt.  I've been pouring all of myself into my job, trying to go further and make something better out of myself so that I may be rid of the asshole once and for all-once I'm no longer financially dependent on him it won't be so much of an issue.  And in all reality, I don't rely on  him that much-all he does is pay for health insurance out of his check and give me $320 for the mortgage.  He's supposed to buy groceries but that never works the way it's intended.  I'm not all that far from not needing him at all but then there's the issue of my children being totally enamored of him....And of course he's not leaving.  He was throwing that in my face to try to get me to stop being upset, although I still don't understand how he thinks that works.  Then I got to play hide the bruises this week...One was on my arm and therefore difficult but I think only one person noticed.  Given that there were distinct finger and thumb prints on the bruise it would've been difficult to explain away.  I'm not talking about him anymore...not yet anyway.  He enters my story very soon.

I believe I left off with my Nathan.  It's funny, I still call him "my" Nathan, when he hasn't been mine in years.  In fact he recently separated from his second wife.  I still love him.  I don't think that will ever go away. The pain of it has lessened some over the years at least.  I spent the first month and a half in Decatur with him, doing nothing because we had no money or cable or internet.  We had movies, books, video games, and each  other.  Suffice to say that I never went without sexual attention during  this time, but I did feel emotionally neglected.  He wasn't a talker, he would only cuddle for so long at night before he'd say he was uncomfortable and roll over.  Something I haven't mentioned yet that I'm actually slightly embarrassed by-when at Minnie's house I always slept in her bed until I reached the age of 13.  It started after my Papaw passed away in second grade and went from there.  I was terrified of the dark, terrified of being alone...I still am.  When I was at Mom's I had my sister to sleep with so I was okay.  Throughout high school I surrounded myself by numerous pillows and stuffed animals. It was also common for my friends to sleep in my bed with me when they came over.  When I grew to adulthood and got married it was hard for me because I had to give all that up so that half of my bed could be occupied by a body that wasn't wrapped around mine.  I still struggle with this-most nights now I sleep alone, whether it's in my bed or on the couch.  If the "husband" does sleep in the same bed as me, he certainly doesn't hold me.  I've been looking for that for years and years...someone to hold me and take away the pain.  I guess I keep hoping even now that a prince charming will come swoop me up on his white horse and love me and take care of me.  Haha, yeah right.  I'm learning to be self-sufficient and stand on my own two feet because I know I can't rely on any "man."

So anyway...I got sidetracked.  Nathan couldn't sign me into school, and I didn't like the thought of getting a G.E.D....I had worked so very hard, I truly HATED how I graduated.  It was humiliating to me.  I certainly wasn't the top of my class, but I was in advanced placement classes and was a National Merit scholar or whatever it was called, I had had a poem published, I would have graduated.  I hated Minnie and Mom both for taking my senior year from me.  I did get the senior pictures, but I didn't get to walk across the stage.  I didn't get senior prom (although in all fairness I had been to 3 anyway).  I missed my friends, particularly Delaney-we talked at least once a week while I was in Arizona and then spent time together once I had moved back to Tennessee.  That's why I went to stay with her when I started going to Center School.  I didn't like the place...I was surrounded by people that had dropped out and didn't care and thought I was stupid for trying to do well.  I only had to take two courses, so I did my time with the place and got out as soon as I could.  I met one or two nice people but I was something of a loner at this time of my life-people brought nothing but pain so why invite them in?  I generally went to school in my black bondage pants and black shirt with black eyeliner.  My hair was no longer black or purple or blue by this point, but I was still going for the leave-me-the-fuck-alone look, complete with blasting rock music in the car and walking like I had a chip on my shoulder and would punch you if you looked at me.

Staying with Delaney was nice though.  Her parents really didn't have any rules, and I just kind of stayed out of their way.  I didn't eat much of their food and tried to keep my space clean.  I was very grateful that they allowed me to stay there and that they lent me their vehicle.  Delaney and I would go on long, random drives, smoking and singing at the top of our lungs in the car...we were pretty good, too.  I don't sing in front of people anymore unless I'm with her.  At one point we took a day trip to Nashville and spent all day walking around taking pictures with a roll of black-and-white film we had picked up.  I still have them, and I think they're beautiful.  They totally captured who I was at this point in time.  We went to the Hard Rock Cafe and split one of those enormous brownies because we couldn't afford an actual meal.  We were also known for making frequent 2 a.m. trips to Waffle House.  She'd get her coffee every single time, while I had a Coke and grilled cheese.  I always let her pick the music on the jukebox and then we'd giggle about how stupid the song was or it reminded us of a time when.....it was good for me, having the opportunity to stay with her.  I'm very close to her and love her still.  I wish she was still here but she lives out of state.  We're planning a "girls' weekend" in NYC at some point this year though, so here's hoping we get our chance.  :)

Then school was over.  I graduated as Valedictorian of the dropouts, then had to return to Decatur.  I found a job at Hardees in Athens and started making payments to Delaney's parents on an 89 BMW 325-they had just bought her an Acura and gave me the chance to buy her former car.  I LOVED that car.  I drove it until the rear strut assembly fell out.  I hated Decatur just as much as I loved the car though.  I felt confined to just that one tiny, crooked trailer with the holes in the floor. I remember being plastered one night and climbing in Nathan's lap and not knowing who he was, then proceeding to tell him all about my husband that didn't love  me before I crawled down the hallway to bed.  I say crawled because it was nearly impossible to walk down that hall sober-it was crooked and uneven and full of holes.  I would occasionally go to the tanning bed with a girl from work, desperately trying to fit in.  It's hard to fit in when you're the only one that's 17, married, and doing nothing with your life.  I tried anyway, getting burnt so many times (being redheaded means you stay OUT of tanning beds!!),  drinking with the in-laws, anything to feel included somehow, somewhere.  Eventually it was just too much.  Nathan wouldn't move away from his momma, didn't want to get an apartment and have our own space, didn't seem to want to do anything other than stay right there in that hellhole.  He damn near chopped his thumb off at work one day and didn't even call me....I came home from work to find his mother waiting for me in the driveway saying "Now don't panic," which makes every newlywed do just that.  He would talk to his parents, but not to me.  I wrote countless entries in my journal, only to find out later that he was reading them.  I had a crush on a guy at work who saw me being so miserable and talked about saving me from it...I didn't actually want anything to do with him but I was so desperate for attention that I'd have taken it from anyone at that point in time.  Eventually it came down to my mom wiring me $200 via Western Union so I could go back to Arizona.  I went home and threw everything, including my little dog Obsidian, in my car and was pulling out of the driveway when he came home.  He put in a feeble effort to stop me...I still feel so bad about leaving him.  I had to do it for me though, I was miserable there.  I walked away from Nathan (not for the last time) and drove recklessly into the western skyline.

It usually takes about 2 days to go down interstates 40, 30, 20, then 10, to make it from East Tennessee to Sierra Vista. I made it in 26 hours.  I sped without a care for anyone or anything in my path, hitting triple digits several times. Somewhere in Texas I had nodded off at the wheel.  I woke up with a start, over-corrected, and spun out in the middle of the highway.  I am so fortunate that there were no other cars on the road at that point...I thank God for that.  The car spun so hard that my dog flew from my lap clear to the back windshield.  I was so so scared and shaken.  I pulled off at the first gas station I could find and stopped to make sure Obsidian was okay.  He was just as scared as I was and crawled back into my lap.  I slept there, holding him that way for about 30 minutes.  Then I refueled with gas and caffeine and set back out.

If I'd have known what was waiting in Arizona I might have stayed in Decatur.  I don't believe in regrets-if I hadn't gone through exactly what I had, I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I wouldn't have my children.  I won't take it back, because I believe there is a reason for everything, even if it is only put in your path to make you stronger.  That's where I'm leaving off tonight.

A side note....I've been doing a lot of reading and most of what I've seen presents reaction to abuse/hurt/whatever in black and white-you either tell everybody you've ever met how you're feeling/what you went through, or you hide it.  I realized that lately-in regards to my present situation, not my past-I've been doing a little of both.  I feel as if I'm hiding in plain sight, praying that nobody in the outside world can see how I feel, how I hurt, what  I am....but I'm also begging for attention.   Today I actually said "okay I'm putting this out there so I can actually address this.  It really hurts that I sit here depressed, crying, alone all of the time, and you don't have five minutes for me.  Then when your mother mentions that she's upset on what was supposed to be our family day you go running, leaving your sick wife and children at home." Not a response, not even a grunt of acknowledgement was received.  So why bother?

Then there's Mom.  She almost never answers her phone, and when it does get answered it's usually by the person she happens to be with that day.  I called last night to ask directions to Childrens Hospital, a family friend answered.  Finally got Mom on the phone, she just passed me back to the friend.  She texted to check on my son, but then wouldn't answer my call.  She didn't answer when I called her this morning or afternoon either even though she knew I was at the Take Care Clinic because I was also sick.  She answered my texts, but never my phone calls.  She's always too busy for me.

Anyway, those were irrelevant to the post at hand but I needed to vent.

HGFD(#R@*RKBHJCIUFY&BIBWB QCXKUIW

I'm truly glad this blog is completed using an alias, because I believe I've been compromised.  That makes it risky to write this next entry, because this is from the present, not my past.  I run that risk tonight hoping that anyone reading this will know that it is for the sake of me getting better and nothing else, but unfortunately there are those that thrive on using other peoples' pain to advance their own purposes.  So please, if you've discovered this by accident, keep it a secret.  This is painful enough for me to write but it would be even worse to have it broadcast to people that are acquaintances, but are also self-made judges and juries.  Don't judge me folks.  This is my personal hell, and it hurts.

Just......GAH.  Words cannot express my anger or hurt right now.  To be so betrayed by someone you love and care for...again and again and again....and yet keep coming back for more abuse.  Tonight it was physical.... choke hold with one arm, beating the upper back with the other....granted, it was immediately following a suicide attempt on my part which was wholly stupid and I stopped myself before it went any further, but that does not provide an excuse to beat a dog when it's down.  And I'm not a weak person-it just so happens that I've spent the last several hours throwing everything in my stomach right back up.  I smacked him, and I'm sorry that I did, but damn if it didn't feel GOOD.  All of this over secrets, lies, and a double life.  We both lead one, but he calls me delusional, paranoid, and crazy.  And hell, maybe I am.  But tonight....tonight went further than it ever should have.  The sad part is the divorce was nearing its final stages when he smooth-talked his way back in, mainly using the children. (They didn't see any of this, we do not fight in front of the boys).  They're my reason for living.  They keep me sane.  Him? He drags me down.  Calls me fat, ugly, stupid, lazy.  Maybe so, but that's no way to treat your spouse.  He doesn't know the first thing about respect, so why should I expect him to behave in such a manner?  He finally admitted he did wrong, I went off about it, and he turned it around on me.  Says I'm my mother all over again, that I'm just like her.  That hurts more than any other insult he could ever throw at me.  He brings up my dad, foster care, my past...Tonight, I'm sorry that I ever let him in.  I found myself sitting at the end of my driveway in tears, offering up prayers to someone that I have to believe is listening, afraid to doubt, needing to know there is some reason behind all of this insanity.

I want out.  I can't stand on my own financially.  He won't fucking bend either.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, he'll just start talking to me again, like it never happened, and we'll go along leading a lie.  He promised me marriage counseling.  He has promised me such at least twice a week for the last few months.  Then he tells me that there's something wrong with me, that I have to work on my trust issues and my personal crazy before our marriage could ever work.  Isn't that what I've been trying to do???  Get better? Be a better mom, a better wife, a better me??  All he does is knock me down.

I don't like how things have ended up.  I don't like it when I'm retaliating, telling him how worthless he is. I become the very same person that I hate, and I don't like how that feels.  None of it makes sense.  So he's leaving me.  Because I found out what he's doing on the side, *he's* leaving *me* yet again.  Go figure.  Then he'll go, screw everything he sees and get high off his ass, then start crying and missing me, wanting me back.  There used to be so much good in our marriage, so much passion and even a few common interests.  How did it come to this?  When did his need for attention from his 14-year-old customers become greater than his need for me?

I'm ashamed.  I don't wear my ring-first of all, it's a fake I bought at a flea market because he wouldn't buy me a replacement.  Secondly, I'm ashamed to be with a man that holds so much animosity for me.  I'm ashamed that I begged him tonight, pleaded with him not to go, to sit and talk to me and try to find a solution so it didn't have to come to this, to shield the kids from this kind of crap.  As I write he is in his car sleeping like the drama queen he is.  Well, technically it's my car, I own it, my name's on the title blahblahblah...it was given to him by Minnie-GIVEN to him-yet he constantly complains that he doesn't have a new car.  Maybe he should think about working harder and getting one with a car payment.  I'm paying my own.

My entire 6 (almost 7) year history with this man was thrown at me tonight.  I despise him more and more each day.

Sorry.  This might not be the place for this but I had to vent somewhere and I sure as hell don't have anyone to talk to here.  Also, my back is burning from him pounding on it....I know the slap across the cheek didn't do nearly as much damage but it was briefly satisfying nonetheless, although it never should have happened.  I did apologize for it but there was no forgiveness.  This happened because he was trying to physically push me, but it still doesn't make it right.

Who am I?  What have I become?  I keep hoping that maybe it will all work out okay, he'll leave peacefully and pay for the divorce himself when some new trollop comes along and doesn't want anything to do with our children.

Happy Valentines Day.  Guess I'm spending it technically single-or so I'm told.  Woo fucking hoo.

Sorry again.