I need advice-and I need it as soon as possible. I'm faced with an upcoming event that will change my entire life, and I don't know what to do.
Easter Sunday: I woke up, got the kids and I dressed and ready for church, and set out to leave. Jake would not get out of bed-not even to watch the kids open their Easter baskets. So when I walked out to the garage and found his car parked behind me, I just grabbed his keys and went to move it. Then, on instinct, I opened the console. There was pot, and there was a bong. I was furious, but I moved the car, took the keys in to him, then left for church.
I stayed gone for as long as I could-I went to a friend's house for an Easter egg hunt with the kids. I came home, and he and his mother were in the yard. He knew I wouldn't start in front his mother-I actually don't like to spread my business like that, no matter what he says about me. I finally went inside for a nap when it became clear she wasn't leaving. By the time she left, I was too tired to speak and he was ignoring me anyway.
Monday morning I tried talking-and was ignored and pushed away. Jake promised we'd talk that night. Monday night I came home and told him to proceed. All he said was, "What do you want me to say?" There was no remorse, no apology, and he acted so arrogant and sure of himself that it was infuriating. Next thing you know, he was yelling at me and brought the kids' attention to it. I went outside in the garage, sat in the dark and cried, praying. I prayed for a sign, I prayed for peace within myself as I struggled to cope.
No more was said about it. He's been somewhat attentive, but it's just annoying. It's phony, and I'm certain he's still using. I don't trust him, and I don't feel anything for him anymore.
Then today, I received a random email from my lawyer. I have a court date scheduled-for MAY 11. I could be done with all of this on MAY 11. That scares me. He still lives here, and he has no idea that the court date is still on yet. I haven't figured out how to tell him. I don't know how he'll react. I don't know how I'll afford it. I don't know how badly this will hurt my children. I don't know how I'm going to arrange childcare.
A part of me is like yeah, go for it, this is YOUR time! But another part of me is desperately afraid and wants to ignore the email. This is my plea for responses. PLEASE give me your opinion. If you have this web address, then I value your opinion. I need perspective...I need someone to hold my hand through this. I'm scared. I'm alone. Please help.
Before I say anything about the issue at hand, please remember that you asked for my opinion. I admire you & I think you're a strong, fabulous woman, but I'm about to dish out some tough love.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you're asking for our opinions is indicative that you're not where you want or need to be as a woman or a mother. As your friends, we can love you, support you and give you our opinions, but we're not qualified to give you the help that you so greatly need and deserve. I'm a big advocate of therapy. I've been there and done that and it's wonderful. Please make it a priority. You won't regret it.
How can there be any doubt in your mind about what you should do? Not only is Jake a terrible excuse for a husband and father, but he's also a drug user and a terrible excuse for a human being. You don't love him. The boys love him, but they don't know any better; you've shielded them from so much, and rightfully so. Keep in mind that they haven't (yet) seen their mother in a relationship with a real man, who is capable of being a real father to them. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't sound like they've been consistently exposed to a strong, healthy father-figure. They have nobody to whom they can compare their father.
Can you not see that by staying with Jake, you're doing nothing to break the cycle of dysfunction in your life and in the lives of your children? If you stay with him and fail to make other important changes in your life, you will fuel the cycle of dysfunction in your life and will continue to raise your children in a dysfunctional home. The details of the dysfunction have changed over the years but ultimately, dysfunction is dysfunction and sooner or later, you won't be able to shield the boys from it. Don't fool yourself into thinking that the boys aren't being raised in dysfunction because you've done your best to shelter them. You've managed to bury their heads in the sand so they can't see a lot of it. The only way to save them--to give them better lives--is for YOU to break the cycle. The only way you're going to do that is if you make some tough decisions and stick with them.
I know that your worries are high and your funds are low, but you MUST believe that God will take care of you and the boys if you trust Him and make the right decisions. God gave us the gift of free will, which enables us to make bad decisions, screw up our lives and go against His plans for us. Once we get back on track, He is right there waiting. Please trust me on this. I'm speaking with first-hand knowledge. Please find the faith and courage to make the right decisions for yourself & your sons. I promise that things will get better and you will not go through the bad times alone.
Set up a payment plan with your attorney. Make sure you get child support. Use your friends and resources in the community for help. Most importantly, recharge your mind and spirit by going to church every week if you don't already do so. It's amazing what a regular dose of Jesus will do for a girl.
You're the only one who can actually save Soledad, my dear. If you're ready to do it, you can't take the easy way out of this.