I haven't written. I haven't allowed myself time to feel. I've been pouring all of my energies into my new job and my family and zoning out when I have alone time. I spend every spare second doing mindless activities just to keep my fingers moving.
Then, when emotions finally catch up with me, they hit me HARD. Hurt, anger, happiness-whatever it might be-once I allow myself to *feel* it consumes me. Today's poison is anger. It feels like I'm going to explode. I went outside with my ipod and journal but even Grace Potter couldn't pull me back from the edge. It was over something trivial, something that I would normally brush off. It just seems like I've got this backlog of emotions that needed to escape and once I opened the flood gates it was all over.
I am very proud of myself for taking a step back though and not just allowing myself to pour all of that emotion out on an easy target. By sitting outside I allowed myself time to think about it and realize that I wasn't really upset about what happened today. It also allowed me to figure out what my real problem was....but I don't know just yet how to handle the issues that have been building up.
I don't know how to get my rage to settle down...it's still here, lying just under the surface. I think I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit.
[Hey, still here, just... doing my own check-outs rather frequently, too. A late congratulations on the promotion!]
ReplyDeleteWere you ever able to start therapy? I imagine a safe[ish] space to express some of those emotions would help, although goodness finding a decent therapist is difficult.
Do you have anything to look forward to? A goal or an event or something that provides some kind of solid direction? That's not a better solution than feeling ok in the present, but it might help prevent feelings of being trapped or hopeless.
I don't know. I'm sorry you're going through so much hurt; I really wish I could help.
No, I haven't started therapy-yet. I have found some very good, reliable friends that have listened to me, which helps. I still appreciate all the time you've taken to read my griping. Much <3.
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