Alright, time to address my issues and quit putting off admitting it. I don't know if anyone will actually read this, but I have something I have to get off of my chest, and I have to do it now.
I'm ashamed. Deeply, deeply ashamed of doing what I want to do with my life, following my heart and acting on my beliefs. I don't like being judged, and I don't like it when people tell me that I am making a wrong decision and that is a FACT and not their opinion. However, I guess that's the joy of putting it out there, right? If folks never know anything about me, the real me, what I think/feel/want, then they have nothing to judge other than the happy-go-lucky devoted mother/hard worker that I allow to be seen. Which is safe. But I am so so very TIRED of being safe, of not saying how I feel and what I want, all for the fear of people saying you know, that's a stupid decision.
So, with that said, so what if people think I'm stupid. So what if they think that I'm making the wrong decision...it is mine to make. I'm the one that will live with any possible consequences, I'm the one that will benefit if all is well.
Jake and I have been seeing a therapist. It's been going on for a couple of months now, every week, and it has been WONDERFUL. He's like a whole new person. The finality of the divorce (it was official on 08/03/11) really hit him like a hammer. We've been very careful about what the children are allowed to see/hear. But...there's a very good chance that we have finally figured out where the problems originated and how to fix them.
(Side note-I highly recommend the book "Getting the Love You Want." It's fantastic.)
We're communicating. It goes beyond just saying hi, we actually TALK. We have found common ground on where we stand. And of course, what we discuss in therapy is private and protected, but the one piece of information that I am allowed to repeat is this-for things to work, we both have to be 100% totally committed to each other, have each others' backs, and not let anyone or anything stand in our way. As the doc put it, it's us against the world.
I don't anticipate any support in this. My sister was on board, but then she always is. My mother backed me up, but was very hesitant. The grandmother is a troll as always-possibly more so now than ever-but she's taking things in stride as much as she can.
I don't want to tell my brothers. I don't want to tell my friends or my co-workers. Granted, if I hadn't aired any of my problems to begin with, this wouldn't be an issue. In some ways that teaches me that what happens between me and Jake stays between me and Jake. At the same time, I should be able to discuss issues with my friends and remain as such without judgment on their behalf, or having to fear that they suddenly think less of me.
I am doing well. Exceptionally well. I've lost a total of 50 lbs-I still have 50 to go, but by George, that's quite an accomplishment. My doctor gave me a better health report this year-but I do have hyperinsulinemia (prediabetes) so I've changed my entire diet and am trying to exercise more. The doc also gave me acne medication-here's hoping it works out for me as I've dealt with acne daily since I was 12.
My confidence is up, my happiness is soaring. Things are going well. Here's hoping that others folks can see it. If not, their loss.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't share some of that skepticism. But at the same time, I think it's just as likely both of you would repeat your relational patterns with the next partners you get, so it makes a lot of sense to try to work through them now, together, when you have so much that pulls you together.
ReplyDeleteI worry about you getting hurt again. But fuck, you're an adult and I imagine you'll be the first to admit it was a mistake if it turns out to be one. You are taking a huge risk. But love's always a risk, no matter who it's with. I'm glad that you're working so hard to find and keep it.
-Juliet