Emotions Taking Me Over

I haven't written.  I haven't allowed myself time to feel.  I've been pouring all of my energies into my new job and my family and zoning out when I have alone time.  I spend every spare second doing mindless activities just to keep my fingers moving.

Then, when emotions finally catch up with me, they hit me HARD.  Hurt, anger, happiness-whatever it might be-once I allow myself to *feel* it consumes me.  Today's poison is anger.  It feels like I'm going to explode.  I went outside with my ipod and journal but even Grace Potter couldn't pull me back from the edge.  It was over something trivial, something that I would normally brush off.  It just seems like I've got this backlog of emotions that needed to escape and once I opened the flood gates it was all over.

I am very proud of myself for taking a step back though and not just allowing myself to pour all of that emotion out on an easy target.  By sitting outside I allowed myself time to think about it and realize that I wasn't really upset about what happened today. It also allowed me to figure out what my real problem was....but I don't know just yet how to handle the issues that have been building up.

I don't know how to get my rage to settle down...it's still here, lying just under the surface.  I think I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit.

Up To Speed

There's so much going on right now.  I got a promotion at work, which is wonderful and I'm thrilled, but this first bit is very time-consuming.  I look forward to the challenge, but I do admit my looong work hours have made it difficult to post anything here.

My 6-year-old cousin is in the hospital, riddled with cancer. The doctors have decided she isn't going to make it but they don't have any kind of time frame set for her.  If you pray, please do so for her and her immediate family.  It's such an unfortunate situation.

I have a severe sinus infection, ear infection, and laryngitis.  It makes for rough days of using my voice but squeaking every other word out.

My sister is in town, but I haven't seen her as much as I would like and she hasn't returned my calls for the last 2 days.  That probably has to do with the fact that she has been visiting our father, but still...it's difficult when I want to see her so much and I have to share her,

We did get to visit together last weekend.  I went up to Mom's to spend the night so that Mom wouldn't gripe about not getting to see my sister.  We shopped, we had dinner with our huge extended family, we got matching tattoos...it was wonderful overall. :)

Saturday afternoon we went to visit our grandparents' gravesite in Seymour.  Sis bought flowers and we spent some time cleaning off the tombstones.  We've both been up there several times, but we always went alone.  This was the first time we had gone together, and I thought it was really nice.  If our grandparents were looking down on us they'd have been proud of the young women that sat there holding on to each other to lessen the pain of life.  We reminisced, talking about the things we did with Mamaw and Papaw and how we used to squeeze in bed beside them.  Sis made sure it wasn't disrespectful then she laid down in the grass between their headstones, laying between them once again.  We sat and talked until it grew too chilly to stay any longer.  It was very peaceful, very calming.  This may be completely pointless to most people but it was a beautiful moment for my sister and myself...I wanted to make sure I addressed it so I could always come back and read about it/remind myself later.

I went back through and realized that I haven't written about my past in a while.  I know where I left off but I'm giving a mini-recap to help my brain sort through where I want to go with it.

• Kicked out, moved to AZ
• Married Nathan, moved to nowhere, TN
• Left Nathan for no good reason, moved to AZ
• Met Jake and got pregnant
• Tired of infidelity/lies, moved to TN to have my child

I remember coming home.  I remember being so scared of giving birth as a single mom, trying to figure out logistics of where I would live, where I would work, how I was going to pay for a child and all of the expenses that come along with him/her.  I just drove...I got really sick between Memphis and Nashville-the curvy roads did not agree with my pregnant sensibilities.  I cried most of the way.  I really didn't know what I was going to do.

Nathan was the one that sent me the money to move back to Tennessee. I still owe him that money plus about 5 billion dollars in interest.  I stashed my belongings at Minnie's house upon arriving, but I stayed at my mother's for the most part.  She got me a job with her as a janitor on the UT campus.  Talk about humiliating-having old school friends walk up to you when you're six months pregnant and scrubbing toilets for a living while they tell you about all of their classes and how wonderful their life is really sucks.  It happened quite frequently, actually....and I was always ashamed.  I was not at all proud of my job nor my condition.  

I had a brief fling with Nathan at this time. If I had half a brain, it would have been far more than a fling.  Here I was, pregnant with another man's child, and he still wanted to be with me.  My dumb ass didn't stay though.

I then became aware that Minnie and Jake had been talking on the phone and finally agreed to speak with him.  His forked tongue spun golden tales, and of course I believed every single one of them.  I mean, if a guy is willing to move 2000 miles just to be with the woman he loves it's proof he's willing to change, right?

Oh how very wrong I was.

It started small.  Late nights at work, snapping at me constantly, not holding me anymore, girls' phone numbers stashed in random places, phone calls that resulted in immediate hangups.....then I found out about the girls he was seeing and the drugs he was doing.  Every time it was the same, I would yell and cry and try to get him to explain, he would clam up and walk away.  He spent several nights sleeping in his car in parking lots.  It got progressively worse over the years...I could go into all of the ridiculous situations and the many times we said we would separate but I just don't want to.  This pattern continued for a very long time.  We bought a house, we had two children, life progressed-but he remained exactly the same.  And by the time I realized he was being emotionally abusive and the kind of trap I had myself in it was extremely difficult to extract myself from the situation because of the kids.

As it turned out, he left me, so I didn't have to worry about extracting myself.  Christmas 2009 was a very rough one for me...the day after Christmas we officially split.  we lived in the same home but we didn't speak. He moved out in February, to live with the one he called his "younger, prettier, skinnier" model.  Turns out he had been seeing her since the prior November.  When he left, I thought we'd be able to divorce amicably and figure out custody and things would finally be okay.

Again, my assumptions were waaaaay off base.  He went a little crazy himself.  He called me every single name under the sun-seriously, I don't think there's an insult he did not hurl at me.  (I don't like any of the words I'm about to use, but in order to accurately describe the situation it's necessary to repeat them).  I became a slut, a whore, a cunt, I had a cow's vagina, I was just like my mother, I was trash, I was fat, I was ugly, I had thousands of dimples in my ass, I slept with my entire family, my family was nothing but child-molesting trash....it just went on and on and on.

[For the record, none of them affected me as much as something he threw at me very early in our relationship, before I ever got pregnant-"I'm sorry I can't fuck you like your daddy."  That's the worst thing ANYONE has EVER said to me.]

His behavior became erratic.  I had to file an order of protection against him because he was constantly threatening me and leaving messages at my house and texting and calling and breaking things when he came to get the kids.  Then he started threatening to kill himself.  He took my kids walking on the railroad tracks.....and I flipped.  I actually left work that day and went and found him-he had already dropped my kids off at home.  I got him in the car, and I tried to take him to the hospital to get some help.  I was genuinely concerned about him.  He decided he didn't want to go, and jumped out of my moving vehicle in traffic just off the interstate ramp on Western Avenue.  I flipped.  I followed him for several minutes as he caused a complete scene, trying to coax him back into the car.  A friend from work saw him walking and even offered to stop and drive him home but he refused.  I eventually got him to get in, but I had to promise to take him to his house.  Two days later, Miss Younger-Skinnier-Prettier checked him in to Peninsula, and Mommy got to take the kids to visit Daddy at the hospital.  We were the only visitors he was allowed to have....that was actually nice because that meant Miss YSP couldn't be there to ruin things.  I'd already had to share Easter with my family with her.  

Upon his exit from Peninsula, Jake was doing quite well.  He was on meds-he was diagnosed as manic depressive by one doctor and bi-polar by another.  He was seeing a therapist, and his behavior/mood was improving.  

During this time I had reconnected with an old friend.  He had a little girl and was also going through a very painful divorce.  We hit it off right away and we dated-seriously-for several months.  Yup, there's that frying-pan-to-fire thing again.  He was very, very sweet to me.  My emotional (and sexual) needs were completely filled, and for the first time in years I was seen walking around with a smile on my face.  It was all well and good, but then once the first impressions wore off he became a mooch-and a pushy one at that.  I told him I didn't want him to live with me and he flipped, then we split.  That was in September last year.

Next thing you know, here comes Jake.  Same promises, same things as always.  I said no at LEAST 200 times, and I truly don't believe that to be an exaggeration.  Eventually he wore me down.  He promised marriage counseling.  He promised to be different.  This was in October.  Soon enough, he came home, and we started the cycle again.

And now?  Now I don't know where we stand.  I don't love him anymore-I don't even like him.  And honestly, I'm not even sure I ever DID love him.  He removed and blocked me from his Facebook, we don't speak about anything other than "the kids are going to the doctor on Friday" or "did you make the deposit yet?"

I can't stand this.  I don't know what to do.  I honestly cannot afford the alternative at this point in time.  How long do I remain in my loveless marriage???

On Discovering IMVU

Curse you, internet.  I've found a new addiction, and it's called IMVU.  I wish I hadn't stumbled across it, but I love it at the same time.  It's an escape.  There I can be thin and pretty and stylish-I can hide behind my avatar and meet people that only know me as a screen name.  It's not that different from regular chat rooms except everything is animated in 3D.  You can be who you want to be, dress and talk and act as you wish, and be free from the judgment of family and friends that refuse to allow you to be anything other than what they think you SHOULD be.  Granted, a good deal of users are only there for cybersex but if you find the right chat room you can engage in intelligent conversation.  But I found it strangely liberating...although I was at home in my pajamas, overweight, with an acne-ridden face and my hair poking out from my mini ponytail, I do not have to be that woman virtually.  You can choose to be male or female, straight/gay/bisexual/whatever orientation you are committed to, black/white/asian/hispanic/green/purple/whatever.  I tend to lean toward the gothic look, but that's something I abandoned in reality quite some time ago.  My family enjoyed making fun of my Hot Topic outfits with the bondage straps and hooks and unnecessary metal bits.  My "father" threatened to hang me from the ceiling and it creeped me out so much that I can never seem to forget the comment...or the look in his eyes.

So I rather enjoy this site, this place I can be myself freely and meet like-minded people.  I can explore different lifestyles by befriending people that don't mind sharing their thoughts and feelings with curious folk like me.  Maybe it's a little voyeuristic, but I enjoy it.  I enjoy going on and letting my avatar express my feelings with no fear of it backfiring.  I'm just sayin', IMVU is awesome-especially when I need someone to talk to.

What Is Love??

I'd like to start off by saying this was written earlier in the week, but I'm just now getting the chance to type it up.  This is also about my present, not my past.  I'm having a difficult time right now and I'm questioning my beliefs...it's as if everything I thought I knew was a lie.  That's where this entry stems from.

Love:
–noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, asfor a parent, child, or friend.

3.

sexual passion or desire.

Do I believe in love anymore?  I just don't know.  I've seen it, felt it, experienced it firsthand...but I don't think it's legit outside of family.  THAT'S where I know it exists.  The love I have for my children is unmatched-those kids are my world.  I cried like a baby when my oldest son sang "Just The Way You Are" to me.  My boys evoke true love and devotion from me.  I feel it-I miss them if we're apart, I'm happy when I hold them, I hurt when they hurt.  It's the same with my sister.  I *love* her.  we're as close as we can possibly be.  So I know it exists, at least in a familiar sense.

But love between two adults?  Romantic love?  I don't know.  I've hidden behind fairy tales my entire life.  I've always wanted to believe in love, in marriage, in my dreams...so I did.  I lived my life according to the belief that people are good and honest and rejected anything that would burst my idealistic little bubble.  I pushed people away when they did something I perceived as wrong-and I was a goody two-shoes, so that's a lot of people.  As I got older I dived into many different types of relationships and grew increasingly disappointed.  There was the emotionally supportive guy that cheated on me, the condescending jerk that cheated on me, the clingy guy that cheated on me...I'm not sure many people have the ability to remain faithful to one person.  I know that I am capable of doing so, but for me I have to trust the other person and know that we're both fully committed before I'm willing to spend all of my time and energy on that person.  It's a lesson well-learned.  It goes beyond them cheating.  It's the lies, the sneaking around, the art of deceiving me that they were so very skilled in that bothered me.  Was I ignoring it because I didn't want to see it?  Or was I so stupid that I truly didn't know?  Or am I just that naive??

A lot of my relationships failed because I simply wasn't happy.  It might not have been the relationship itself, it's just that I somehow thought I might be happier with someone else.  Someone that was actually devoted to me.  Of course that wasn't always true, and it certainly wasn't fair to my significant other, but it's how I felt.  I've spent my entire life running, looking for someone that could make me feel safe and loved....but now I know I have to feel secure and loved alone before that will happen.  I was never content but I refused to accept that my insecurities came from my underlying issues and I was the only one that could fix it.  It was so much easier to make my current boyfriend into a scapegoat.

Now that I'm grown and I'm actually trying to heal my wounds, my "husband" enjoys pouring salt into them.  I don't know how to handle that emotionally.  There is no trust, no mutual interest outside of the children, no respect...hell, we don't even know each other.  I'm beginning to think that none of it is real, that a guy (or girl) will tell you whatever you want to hear to make it last and then sneak around and hurt you every time.

What happens when you had your one chance and blew it?  Everything has been misery since I left Nathan.  Granted, I wasn't happy when I was with him, but that was truly due to the situation we were in.  I was happy when we were just dating, but once we were married...I didn't like living in a lopsided trailer that was falling to pieces.  I didn't like living with the in-laws.  I didn't like being away from my family.  But since then...even in relatively stress-less situations, Jake has made things extremely difficult.  And I have blindly allowed him to do so, all in the name of "love."  Isn't that supposed to require two participants??  Maybe Mom was right-she said I was just like every other girl-that I wanted the bad boy so I could tame him.  Instead, he broke me.

And that's where it stands.  I'm broken.  I'm afraid to let anyone in, unable to trust, unable to be alone.  I feel...vulnerable.  I don't like it at all.  I've always tried to put on my brave face.  Now I feel like people can look at me and see my pain.  It leaves me feeling exposed.

It still feels weird for me, pouring my feelings out like this.  I'm making a huge effort to incorporate it into my daily life though.  I even had a major discussion with my mother this weekend.  We were out of town and I was driving, so she had nowhere to go.  Somehow or another the subject of my father came up...and she proceeded to tell me that I needed to stop being bitter and let go of it so I can move on with my life.  She's right, but she had no place talking to me about that.  I responded, "Mom, I love you to death but maybe you aren't the person that should be telling me this."  She pushed, said she was just trying to help me, and I stopped listening.
"You helped him hurt me."
"I had nothing to do with that."
"You didn't believe me.  You made me lie.  You left me."
I started bawling and it all came spilling out. We talked for a few hours, and I was completely honest and very frank.  Mom cried and said she regretted it and had to live with it every day.  I didn't hold back or try to spare her feelings.  It felt great, but it was pretty shaky ground we were covering.  I'm proud of myself for not backing down.  I think the talk helped me heal a little...speaking my mind and saying "this is NOT okay" helped me get at least a little bit of closure.

Now, though...now my heart is heavy.  I had to leave my house to get air last night, but he told me he was leaving by the end of the day today.  I don't know if he meant it this time but he certainly isn't answering my calls or texts.  He told Minnie he's done and doesn't want to deal with me anymore.  That leaves me to ask myself what I did that was so wrong that the person who used and abused me for six and a half years would leave me.  Oh wait, I stood up for myself.  I outgrew him.  Now I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  I'm emotional and he doesn't want to deal with that-WILL NOT deal with that, more accurately.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'm going to handle it financially.  I don't know how to handle it mentally or emotionally or AT ALL.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around this but I just can't.  I'm not used to this, although I should be.  All my life I've been dealt blow after blow and each time I walked away intact.  Scarred maybe, but breathing.  This might be the blow that breaks my spirit.  I'm not good enough for a liar and a cheat?  Who am I good enough for?  Who would want to spend time with me?  How many people are left that still find me attractive or funny or even amusing?  And how can I ever learn to trust anyone?  Are there people that don't lie and hurt each other?  Is there truly such a thing as a functional, beneficial relationship? (I'm talking emotional here, not sexual or financial).

What I have always wanted is someone I can relate to.  I want to veg out and listen to music or play video games with them, go shopping with them, have long talks over drinks, go dancing, cuddle and watch movies, go hiking, play cards, cry on their shoulder, hold them when they're upset...I don't need money or expensive things, but I am in need of companionship.  I want a friend AND a lover.  I no longer think it's possible though.

So the question is, do I settle for less than what I want/need?  Or should I just skip all the disappointment and learn to stay single forever? I guess I'll just hold out and see what happens. I don't know when I became so disillusioned, but it happened.  I gave up on my fairy tale dream.  Now the task at hand is to learn to love myself so I can be in peace-ALONE.


Just a note...he didn't leave.  He won't.  Friggin' Minnie asked him not to.  So much for what I want, eh?

Turning Point

Today...today is difficult.  The holy terror that I call husband announced *he* is leaving *me*-after I found a dime bag of pot in his car.  Well legally, my car.  We had it out again last night about the lies and the abusive behaviors.  This time I got in the Mommymobile and left.  I didn't want it to escalate.  I drove to the Food City parking lot and just sat there and cried.  I texted my sister and she called me.  I always try to be fair and accurate in my retelling of events-I include my own shortcomings as well.  She agreed with me though-I didn't do anything wrong this time.  My mistake was that I had the audacity to speak to him, to point out his mistakes...What a dumbass bitch, thinking she could talk to him that way!  Then this morning, purely on a whim-I still don't know what made me do it-I looked in the Chevy.  I didn't have to look long or hard-I just popped open the center console and there were the drugs.  Regardless of your personal opinion of marijuana the fact remains that it is illegal.  As such, it is completely irresponsible for a parent to be a user.  Should he get busted (he only THINKS he's invincible) it could result in jail time (he has a past drug-related felony)-and that starts the spiral of us losing our house when he loses his job (and finds himself having immense difficulty finding another), and in an extreme case result in us losing the kids.  That is unacceptable and I will NOT stand for it.  The risk is apparently worth it for him-and believe me, I have spent hours trying to make him aware of the potential consequences.  He just doesn't care.

It's obvious that this "marriage" will never work out and it's in the best interest of everyone if he leaves.  My oldest son will be heartbroken, but it would be far worse if Jake stays.  The problem is that he'll never actually leave.  He threatens to do so on a weekly basis, but then when I tell him to get out and refuses and tells me he won't go short of me calling the cops.  I have to get in touch with my lawyer to see what the possibility of continuing with my divorce might be.  My court date had been slated for May, so we'll see what we can do I guess.  Actually, I just sent him an email.  I'm anxious to hear back from him.

I have a hard time dealing with the idea of divorce.  I truly believe marriage is meant to be forever and I meant my vows both times I said them-then I proceeded to break the vows each time.  In a lot of ways I've always felt like I was betraying Nathan every time I was with someone else after the original marriage.  I had promised him forever and I failed to deliver.

I guess it's time for me to be alone for a while.  I'm not stable enough for a healthy relationship-I don't even know if I know what a healthy relationship is.  I'm going to learn to love myself and stand on my own two feet before I even consider dating again.  To be honest...I.  AM.  TERRIFIED.  I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of being judged, I'm afraid of how Jake will handle this...I'm just plain scared.  I can do this.  I have to do this if I'm ever going to get past this stuff.

Wish me luck, pray, do whatever it is you believe in if you don't mind.  I will be needing all of the support I can get.

Runner Up

Ever have one of those nights that you find yourself vegging out, completing mindless activities just to keep moving, to prevent thinking?  I've had about a week like that now. I've not wanted to face any emotion this week, but it comes to me anyway.  It was my son's birthday so I tried to keep the happy face on, because having happy Mommy means so much to him.  I tried my absolute best.  Tonight the mask is slipping.

I'm sitting here clicking, watching infomercials on TV while I play pool on Facebook, wishing someone would call or text or IM or something.  I'm just so so lonely tonight.  I can't stop thinking about work, about the position I applied for but probably won't get because I found out who my competition is and will get, about staying positive, about my diet (I've lost 15 pounds! 65 to go!), about being a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding (that was unexpected), about the possibility of my sister shipping out earlier than expected...

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ANYMORE.  I want someone to step in and hang out with me for a while, share a drink, go dancing, veg out together to keep our minds focused on the moment we're in and nothing else.  I actually had plans Friday night but they fell through-that happens when children are sick. :-/  The thing is (and not in the case of Friday, mind you), I always feel like the last choice. I'm second best-sometimes third or worse.  I'm not the cool, decisive, take-charge, beautiful friend.  I'm the loser that follows your lead and does whatever you want because I NEED to be accepted and loved.  I need to feel entertaining, funny, pretty, smart...human.  

I haven't wanted to sit down and blog about the past because I'm trying to figure out my present.  I feel like a consolation prize-to Jake, because I'm sure as hell not what he wants in a woman.  To the few friends I have, because I'm not like most of them; I have responsibilities, I have to arrange for a sitter, and I am the complete opposite of spontaneous.  (Although, for the record, I would really really like to be spontaneous).  

I shouldn't blog this next part but I'm going to.  I need this out, by George.

There is one more that I won't name here, someone I have felt so close to for the duration of our acquaintance, have always loved...but I am nothing to them except a handy substitute.  I want this person to love me in return, desperately.  I have told this person so.  This person is willing to hang out, to hold me, to look into my eyes and make me feel safe, but that's where it ends.  At the end of the day we return to our respective lives (or lack thereof in my case).  This person breaks my heart and I allow it to happen, give my heart freely knowing it will be shattered, just to have that few minutes of peace.  I guess it's fair, because I've dealt the other party a great deal of hurt in this relationship over the years.  I only see this person once every few months, but when I part from their company I am so incredibly conflicted.  For a few minutes, I can forget everything and be happy.  I'm almost literally glowing throughout the few days afterward-people comment on how happy I look.  But then I come down.  I realize that I am being used, that I WANT this person to use me, because nobody else has ever made me feel the way they do.  I feel so alive, so fun and...well, vibrant.  This is what I need, what I absolutely crave, and what I absolutely cannot have. The other  party doesn't want to hurt me although they are aware of the pain.  I lie and say I'm fine, I say I can handle it, just pleasepleaseplease can I see you?  

I'm pathetic.  I realize that.  It sure as hell doesn't make it hurt any less.  I'm stuck in a worthless marriage, terrified of leaving the man I'm with, wanting freedom so much....but at what cost?  I'm looking forward to getting started on my therapy because I need help to get myself out of here.  How do I break my ties from Jake when I'm raising our children?  How do I stop the other damaging relationships in my life?  The one mentioned above?  The one with my mother?

She came to my son's birthday party this week.  I had to walk away from her because she wouldn't shut up, and she still kept going.  I had company that wasn't family for once, so it pissed me off more than normal.  It's in regards to visiting my sister-I said it didn't matter if we went on the same weekend and she said yes it did so that we could be there for all of my siblings birthdays (all in one weekend).  I didn't know my brother was leaving the week after we plan to go because he doesn't talk to me.  Anyway, it came down to her telling me that all I cared about was seeing my sister but she wanted to see my brother too (they're both in the Navy).  It was untrue and mean-spirited so I walked away.  Again, this took place at my son's party so I was trying to keep the drama at bay.

Just hours before the party she told me she's giving the baby pictures of me and my siblings to us because she doesn't have room for them-she's going to keep a collage of all of us and one photo of each family (one for each kid, basically).  That hurt me.  Pictures are significant to me-you'd have to pry baby pictures of my children from my cold dead hands.  They're reminders-visuals of the times we spent together as they grew, something to show them when they're older, something they can show their own children someday.  But then I guess in Mom's case there's nothing happy to remember us by, huh?  I don't know, but it really, truly cut me when she said that.  How do you not have room for a box of pictures?  Put them under your bed or in your closet or hang them on the walls.  You have room for DVDs and CDs and your damn dog.  Wait, there's the solution!  Get rid of the dog and you can keep your pictures where the puppy pads used to be!! No more poop!  I've been storing Mom's boat on my basketball court since last summer, and up until recently I also had my step-dad's Camaro in my garage.  I paid rent on a storage unit in AZ for most of her stuff for almost 2 years-stuff that included pictures-but she can't store a fucking box of pictures?  Yeah, I have an issue with it.  I will eventually have to address it with her.  I actually went off on her a couple of weeks ago for not being there.  We talked about it briefly after I finished venting-and when I say briefly I mean like 5 minutes-but it was never resolved.  I will eventually end up chewing that woman a new one in front of everyone she knows and holds dear because that's the only way I can get an audience with her royal majesty.

Ugh...I don't even know where all of this came from tonight, but it sure feels good to get it out.  One day I'll be the prime choice instead of a consolation prize.  I'm not going to feel so fat and ugly, I'm not going to be tethered to a sinking relationship.  I will be strong, beautiful, independent, and loved.  I'll get there, just you wait and see.

Uncertainty

I started writing an entry yesterday that I would post here, and might still do it, but right now there are some things I must get off my chest.  There's an anger inside of me that I cannot seem to get rid of for the life of me. I took Minnie to the doctor today and while we were driving we were talking about Jake.  In case you missed it in a prior entry, Jake is home with me yet again-the hows and whys of that are to come in a later entry.  But I realized something, something huge about him today...I've hated him, I've held contempt for him, I've thought he was stupid, cruel, petty, arrogant, selfish, and many many other things...But up until two weeks ago, I was not afraid of him.  After the night that left me bruised, something just wouldn't quit nagging at me.  I felt so hollow, like something had been taken out of me-and there wasn't much there anyway.

Today I realized that the scales have tipped.  I still feel that I could hold my own in a fight against Jake if it came down to that-if it was a fair fight.  If I'm not ill, if it's a true man-on-man (or woman) fist fight.  But what about the nights like that one, when I'm not physically well?  What if he gets my .45?  I don't trust him and haven't in forever, but after the....well, for lack of a better word, lunacy that he has exhibited over the last year...he scares me.  It took a lot for me to admit that I'm walking on eggshells in my own home, smoothing things over to keep him from brooding or going off.  I am my mother.  May I just add that I HATE that realization....My sister is getting out of a dangerous relationship as well.  I'm not at liberty to say what she's been through, that isn't my place, but the fact that Mom signed for both of us to get married at 17, we both have abusive (in one way or another) husbands, we're both having a hell of a time getting out of the relationships...is there something that was coded into our brains that we would want the wrong kind of guy?  Is there a reason we can't let go of these "men," something causing us to hold onto a love that we really don't feel anymore?  Is there a reason Mom sent both of her daughters into marriage at such a young age?  Granted, Lisa wanted to get married and wasn't doing it for any other reason, but what was Mom's reasoning?  Did she want us to be like her?  She certainly likes to tell us when we make the same mistakes she did.  I don't know the answer to that.

I don't know why I can't seem to get rid of Jake once and for all either.  Every time he comes back to me he promises me the moon and the stars.  I let go of the terrible things that he has done to me, even if only momentarily, and focus on the few good times we've had.  I want to believe what he's feeding me-I want to have a stable, loving family for my boys, one that doesn't have them being shuttled between Mommy's house and Daddy's house.  I don't know if I can give them that anymore, because it means being with a man that I absolutely despise.

I don't know how I'm going to handle this, or where I'm going to start.  When I contacted my lawyer and left a message to stop the divorce proceedings and bill me for anything else I owed him, I never heard back.  I keep wishing that maybe he just quit and nothing was processed through the court, and that my divorce would still be final in May.  If it was, it would be an easy end to this never-ending battle.  He'd have to leave the house and I would have residential custody.  The heart of the matter is that I'm afraid to divorce him.  I'm afraid of his reaction.  He might take the kids, he might shoot all of us, he could stalk me, cause me to call the cops on him again..or if I had my way, he'd disappear back to Arizona and leave us all alone.  The problem with that lies in the way my children idolize him.  For all his many many faults, he is a good father for the most part.

I'm looking forward to getting regular therapy, having someone to talk me through my options and the fear that I'm dealing with.  I've been doing Zumba-I'm excited because I got my new dance shoes in the mail from Zappos today-and I'm losing weight fairly quickly.  I have about 70 pounds to lose before I hit my goal weight, but I'm excited about that.  I've got better makeup that doesn't leave my face as broken out as it has been.  I've made a few friends that I can hang out with and talk to.  I'm working on rebuilding me and my confidence.  Having someone to talk me through it will be helpful.

I might write the other entry later, the one I started and left in my notebook.  For now I had to get this off of my chest.