Okay, so this isn't in my intended order, but I felt very strongly about this and wanted to be able to express myself. I watched "Precious" tonight. I was scared, I was anxious, I was hopeful, I cried and cried and cried-but mostly I was LIVID. It's about a girl being continuously abused and trying to get free. (SPOILER ALERT) There's a scene at the end of the movie that left me shaking. A social worker is confronting the mother about what she allowed to happen in her home. She's talking about how everything was fine when Precious was born, they were all very happy and all of that, but then....Precious was 3. Her mother would lay her on a pillow beside her in bed while she had sex with the little girl's father. During intercourse he reached over and touched her. This of course escalated over many years and Precious bore two children by her father. When the mother was asked why she allowed this to happen, she started to cry, saying that she didn't want it to happen, and then that she hated Precious for it. "He was MY man"..."That bitch took him"...."Who's gonna love ME?"..."I had a man, and I had a baby, and I had to take care of both of them."
I was infuriated. I ached for the girl. I absolutely CANNOT understand, as a mother, how someone could allow that to happen to their THREE-YEAR-OLD child in the first place. And then to hate the child for it? Throw things at her? Hit her? Verbally and physically abuse the granddaughter with Down Syndrome? Throw a newborn baby on the ground, throw a TV set down a stairwell at the baby??? There has to be some kind of mental health issue lurking there for a mother to behave that way to begin with, but as both a mother and a former victim, I was incensed. She didn't "steal your man," he RAPED her. I haven't felt this strongly watching a movie in ages-since "The Color Purple."
And there was HOPE. While being attacked or raped, Precious would black out/have little day dreams. They involved her at a glitzy, glamorous event or being loved by her mother. It was heartbreaking to watch. It was done in such a way that I'm not sure all viewers would have the same reaction-it might seem like a distraction to someone that was desensitized to this type of thing. For me, it was definitely moving. I liked that it ended on a positive note; that's pretty rare in those situations.
It made me think. In this movie, in similar movies and books and magazine articles, in my own experience...there are so few people willing to help. I'd like to help, in whatever way I possibly can. Beyond Project Linus donations-most of those go to smaller children, although there are a few that go to sexual assault crisis centers. Maybe I can find another way to volunteer. My schedule is a little hectic right now, but who's to say they don't need volunteers on weekends? I'm going to try to find something. I'll let you know what's up.
Given the situations you were in, what sort of help do you think people are unlikely to give? I ask because I often think people genuinely have a desire to help others, they just rarely know how. So rarely in abusive relationships is the abuse evident (if not outright hidden), and individuals in my experience are generally more prone not to pry than just not to care. I think plenty of people *would* have helped me, if I knew how to ask or felt like I deserved the help. But I also had less severe/different issues than you did, so I'm curious as to your experiences with that. How do you think someone could have helped you, if they were willing?
ReplyDeleteI guess more than anything, my reactions to a lack of help from the people that I *did* seek help from. My family, my DCS case worker, a few of the therapists I had-I actually got kicked out of a therapy group I attended because the others girls said I was too much like their mothers and they couldn't talk to me. The head therapist asked how it made me feel, and I just looked at her. I fet she didn't need me to answer that question. I already felt like an outsider-having that kind of rejection from the people I was supposed to be "healing with" was a terrible setback.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure, as you said yourself, there were probably more people that were actually willing to help. I didn't reach out much, because the times I had tried had hurt me so very badly.
May I ask what some of the therapists did that was particularly unhelpful? Rejection by therapists is one of the worst kinds since they're supposed to be the people who never reject, and yet... I have another friend who's a victim of sexual assault and although she's only had a smattering of visits with therapists, a few have gone really really poorly, so much so that she hates/fears the lot of them. It really disgusts me how inept the very people who should be the best at dealing with such delicate areas are.
ReplyDeleteAnd, of course, I want to be one so there's the selfish consideration that I'd personally like to try to guard against such behaviors (and advocate against them inside the profession), so it helps me professionally. Which I hope doesn't diminish the concern, but I really want to be honest about the conflict of interest (as it were).
It all depends on the therapist. I had some that never actually talked to me-we made necklaces, or we drew pictures-we did all that at the Boys & Girls Club, so what was the point of going to the therapist? I wasn't a small child-I was around 13 or so at the time, and I just didn't get it. She never once asked me about what happened. It felt so useless, and I hated going.
ReplyDeleteSome of them make you feel stupid, or as if they're not listening. I seriously had one lady that just asked "And how does that make you feel" over and over again, then would say "I understand." That's how the entire session went.
Up until the last couple of years I HATED counseling. With a passion. Then I met Karen.
I wish I knew where she worked now, because it isn't where she worked as recently as a year and a half ago. I had to stop gong because of an insurance snafu that my husband wouldn't work out, but I ADORED her. She listened to me, she responded, she made me feel HUMAN. We discussed solutions to my emotional outbursts, she gave me books to read (Codependent No More was excellent), and she was always supportive of me. I would love to find her again. She was everything a good therapist should be.