When you sit down to write something like this you ask yourself how it will impact the people you love. Do you ask permission to air the dirty laundry? Do you give advance notice before turning the world upside down? There was certainly never any forewarning for me. Nobody took me aside and prepared me for what was to come; nobody asked if I was okay after the fact. Nobody cared.
I truly don't know where to start. I don't want this to come off as a high-level version of events, so things will probably come out in sporadic order. Once I've assembled all my memories in their broken form I'll do my best to compile my own personal history. More than likely, this will go no further. We shall see what the future holds.
So here we go. I'm beginning a new journey in my life, but I have to lay the past behind me. It's a painful tale of abuse and abandonment, desperation and anguish that I'm sure I can never convey. It ain't pretty, folks. It is, however, my life-and I refuse to be controlled by it any longer. I'm in charge now
I loved the point about consent; of information, of honesty, of self. It's so vital to your story, but it had never occurred to me that it would be angering to have to worry about what to say/not say about others, but as you so well put it, they never gave you that choice or consideration at all.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I've had some people balk about talking about my father's alcoholism/depression and the resulting etceteras, but I think my philosophy is that if he didn't want what he's done known, he shouldn't have hurt so many others in the process. It's not airtight, but it's better than silencing myself. I'm so glad you're speaking out.
For the record, I'm considering this confidential like therapists do. I really hope you feel free to write (or not write) absolutely anything at all. If there's anything I can do to facilitate or better respect this space, please let me know.
"I don't want this to come off as a high-level version of events, so things will probably come out in sporadic order."
As a suggestion, if you're worried about slipping into literal narrative, you can try to think of the implications various actions, events, behaviors, etc. might have on you today. Personally, I find that sort of analysis empowering as knowing why I feel/act certain ways lets me forgive myself for my present shortcomings/adapt to them easier.
Finally, as you can tell, I tend to make a lot of "I" statements. I hope that doesn't draw attention to/center things around myself. I'm just acutely aware that I'm speaking from my own experiences, some of which may be helpful/resonate, some of which won't and I never want that filter to be invisible (to myself or you). Use or discard such interjections as you see fit!
[I'm really excited about this. Thank you for trusting me enough to let me in to see it!]
"I" statements are perfectly acceptable. I don't wish to set this up as a purely selfish type of presentation-sometimes having someone to commiserate with is exactly what I need.
ReplyDeleteI do like the idea of analyzing how past events have affected me today. The one thing that makes me cautious about that approach is that I don't want to come off like a pretentious know-it-all. For some reason I've always been very sensitive to other peoples' perception of me. I don't want anyone to think I'm too vain, too outspoken, too introverted, too anything. I've spent a lot of time practicing the art of being "perfectly normal" but still looking for enough attention/affection to feel wanted. It's only now that I'm older that I realize that individuality is more than just an idea, but something that is necessary and good.
Once again I sincerely appreciate your support darlin'. You're a gem. :)
I'm reading everything, but my apologies about how long it's taking me to respond. There's so much!
ReplyDeleteI'll say, at least from me, you won't receive any judgment. You could be a pretentious know-it-all who's crafting an epic narrative of you as a poor victimized heroin against hordes of decidedly evil people and I'd read you as sympathetic. It's just how I roll.
As it is, I'd say you're compassionate, concerned, and just at the tip of what looks to be a very very difficult journey. The last thing you need to do is worry about me thinking you're anything you don't want me to. If I have a question, I'll ask it. If you ever worry about what I'm thinking, ask me. I certainly won't hide anything from you.
I'm going to keep reading, keep caring, and keep trying to support you however I can no matter what you write. No matter how angry, how traumatized, how dispassionate, how navel-gazing, how empowering, how terrifying, how banal, how everything.
I don't believe in "normal." There are only norms and masks, with the "deviant" (the real) beneath. You are good, you are deserving, like every other human being.
I don't believe in "wrong." There is only "unhealthy" (for you and perhaps others). You are who you are: the merit of that is for you to decide alone.
In short, in this space, you can't be *too* anything. Just write, feel, be whatever you need and decide. And then change it later. I don't care. I only want you to find and do what you believe you need to find and do.
[Sorry, I hope that doesn't come off as a cliche or insincere. I just truly don't want you to filter for my benefit.]
Please don't apologize for not responding immediately-I certainly hope you don't feel pressured to reply. I appreciate your insight and support more than I could ever express, but I know that you have your own life to live with your own troubles/complications/what-have-you. Also, I'm spilling out a hell of a lot of baggage here and it can be tough to follow. Rest assured there will be no filtering here-it's a promise I made to myself, keeping things honest and open. While I certainly hope that I don't offend or bore anyone to tears it's necessary for me to be candid here.
ReplyDeleteThank you yet again my dear.