Breaking Codependency and To Hell With The Consequences

I'm not feeling so well today, but I went to the therapist solo today and she encouraged me to pick up writing again.  I might do a lot of that on paper as I'm not sure that anyone would read my drama nor that its interesting, but for today, I'm writing it here.

Jake missed out on counseling because he was very sick last night and could barely sit up straight, but it really was a good thing for me.  It gave me an opportunity to talk to her about the things that were bothering me and me alone, primarily about Minnie.  She says I'm doing the right thing by not humoring her attention-seeking attempts-instead I've been working on shutting them down.  She asked me if I had any options, but I could think of none.  I stand by what I said last night-I have finally given up on her.  She's been such a negative but necessary influence my entire life, and I've spent 25 years trying to learn how to make her happy or please her.  Did someone say codependent?  I've passed through these years feeling as if I was nothing but a worm (she told me I let myself go when I was pregnant, insisted my acne problem is because I didn't wash my face properly, points out that I weigh 10 lbs more than she does-though I'm a foot taller).  I wanted to believe she had good intentions, that it wasn't about money or being vindictive or having some control over her kids' lives, but I have finally admitted that unfortunately that just isn't the case.  Even now, she'll request the proverbial jump and I ask how high.  I take her everywhere she needs to go unless I'm at work-then it's Jake or my brother taking her.  Every Saturday I give up half of my day off to take her to get her hair fixed.  Considering that I work about 50 hours a week and don't get to seem my children as much as I'd like or have appointments or time for myself, giving up about 4 hours for her is a sacrifice that means a great deal to me....and is insignificant to her.  It's an expectation and there is no gratitude.  I should know by now that I should lower my own expectations of her but I just never wanted to admit it...I was pretty deep in denial.  This woman removed me from an awful situation, and I'll be forever grateful and indebted to her for that, but I simply cannot allow her to control me anymore.

I think I discussed the time I lived in Arizona on here before.  As a note, I would like to beg your forgiveness if I accidentally repeat myself-I truly have a terrible memory.  Anyway, to Arizona.  I was 17 and tasting my first and last bit of freedom.  I could go where I wanted when I wanted, stay up as late as I wanted or crash at 5pm, exercise for hours on end, party like there was no tomorrow, be around people that I loved and loved m in return.  My family was not there; it was just me, my roommate, and Jake, doing whatever we wanted.  I don't have that now.  There are parts that I don't mind giving up.  In being a mother, I'm fine with devoting my time to my children and not partying or staying out all hours of the night-although I'll do it on occasion for a family event or when Delaney comes to visit (we go get wasted and belt out karaoke, rehashing our dreams of becoming singing superstars-and for the record, she has the chops for it).  I'm okay with coming straight home, cleaning, and getting my kids bathed and in bed.  That's not the issue.

The issue is the constant presence of Minnie.  "I need you to hang this shower curtain for me."  "I'm so tired of  cleaning this house and it just getting messed up again."  "Will you take me to Walmart first thing Sunday morning?" (Which is ALWAYS at least a 2.5 hour adventure).  "I need you to take these bills to the post office." (Our own mailbox is just too risky).  "Here's my shopping list-get this list at Food City, this list at Walmart, see if you can find this at Target.'  "Will you get my medicine on your way home?" (At least once a week, if not more often, and no longer at the same pharmacy that I use).  It's a never-ending barrage.  I tell her not to touch my laundry, she goes in my room and gets it.  I tell her not to feed my 3-year-old as he is perfectly capable of feeding himself, she does it anyway.  She tries to divide Jake and I by talking smack about the one that isn't present at that moment.

At the end of the day, I have to learn to let her go.  I cannot continue trying to make her happy and caring so deeply about what she thinks/wants/feels, when she clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about anyone that isn't her. the question is how do I let that go?  I've got to figure out a way.  I don't have a clue right now.  It's sad; I'm going to Tucson for a week in March for work reasons and even though I'll miss my little family I'm ECSTATIC to get away from Minnie for a week.  It's like having a parent eternally checking on every little thing you do and judging every move you make. I'm suffocating.  And there's not a damn thing I can figure out to do about it.  If anyone has any suggestions they're welcome.

There are so many other topics I could write about right now...I've been reading up on Recy Taylor's heartbreaking story and have so many thoughts and emotions surfacing over that.  I'm 50 pounds down on my weight loss journey and I've hit a plateau that I can't seem to break-with 50 pound left to lose.  I find myself discouraged by that quite often.  My sister and I have barely spoken in the last while, which has been rather difficult for me.  I feel like there's some kind of connection that was lost between us after she came back from Afghanistan (she's in the Navy) and I don't know how to fix it.  There's my mom, who is still trying to fix our relationship-at least my therapist said the way we're trying to do that is healthy.

My biggest piece of encouragement today came from the therapist herself.  She said she's been doing this for a long time and has seen a lot of terrible things, but the amount of dysfunction in my family is one of the most extreme cases she's seen.  She often asks me how I'm sane and is impressed by my emotional stability (she thinks I'm emotionally healthy, which is a huge improvement over where I've come from!).  It's reassuring to know that I'm not crazy for being unhappy with the lot I was dealt and trying to do something about it.

There's just too much swirling in my brain at the moment.  I'll write more soon.

XOXO

How Do You Change Crazy?

Happy February, waaahoo.  I'm feeling rather ill at the moment, but I haven't written in a while and I really want to.  The process of healing my little family has been pretty slow and deliberate, but I think we'll get there.  Our biggest challenge at the moment is Minnie.


Before I talk about her, let me just say that Jake FINALLY bought me a nice engagement ring, 7 years into this mess.  It's a pretty little 1/4 carat number.  A hand model I shall never be, but here's the little beaut:

Anywho, to Minnie.  Apparently Jake severely pissed her off lately and she has been making life hell ever since.  She fell a little while ago, and that (as well as her eternal passive aggressive behavior and general attitude on life) has really made us question allowing her to continue babysitting our children.  We had discussed how to best go about changing that with the therapist, and I thought we had a plan in mind, but he just went ahead and took the kids to his mom's one day without really talking to Minnie.  Next thing I know she's calling me in her room to talk (ME-not the offender, she didn't say a single word to Jake) and asked, "What have I done?"  Then she started with the crying and the pity trip.  I just walked out of the room-I didn't give her the ego stroke she was so desperately craving.  I did NOT engage-and I'm proud of myself for that.  I still don't like the way it was handled, but there's no changing that now.  


Ever since, Minnie has been storming around the house and slamming her cane against anything possible.  She constantly mutters under her breath and makes comments about what an asshole Jake is.  Tonight, I got off the phone with her and told her it was because I was calling him, and she got all smart-assed and asked me why and pissed me off.  Right now she's mad at me because my youngest son is in the corner and she's in a hurry to wash dishes so she's mad.  Plus she's mad that I'm trying to discipline my children...she just yells at them all day.


I don't know what to do about her.  I'm going to bring it up tomorrow when Jake and I go to counseling.  I can't handle her.  She's bitter, rude, and downright mean.  I have enough stress at home plus I'm trying to raise a family and then I have to deal with little miss whiny pants.  I just don't have the patience for her anymore.  She's created herself a kind of alternate universe-she tells her version of events (which are NOT in ANY way based in reality) and wholeheartedly BELIEVES them.  She calls people mean, terrible names and talks all kinds of shit about them behind their backs.  She CANNOT and WILL NOT EVER admit any kind of wrongdoing.  If you try to suggest changes-even gently delivered suggestions for the slightest of changes-she throws her damn martyr fits.


In short, she makes me crazy.  She's ruining the attitudes of my children and wrecking my not-marriage.  I don't know how to deal with this anymore.  I'm just...done.  I've recognized that she's a lost cause and I GIVE UP ON HER.  Took me 25 years to say that/come to that conclusion, but there it is.  There's an anger inside of me that just seems to keep growing, and I find that I'm unable to take it out on her, to unleash the fury at its much-deserved target. Instead, it stays inside me, boiling and steaming up the place.  It overruns sometimes and attacks innocent bystanders, and I have to stop it before it explodes and takes me down with it.


I'm anxious to speak with the therapist tomorrow.  I've kept a journal since 3rd grade and only stopped writing in recent years, when I didn't even want to admit my feelings on paper.  I have to get back to this, to get my feelings out there, even if it is on the internet.

Who Says?

Alright, time to address my issues and quit putting off admitting it.  I don't know if anyone will actually read this, but I have something I have to get off of my chest, and I have to do it now.

I'm ashamed.  Deeply, deeply ashamed of doing what I want to do with my life, following my heart and acting on my beliefs.  I don't like being judged, and I don't like it when people tell me that I am making a wrong decision and that is a FACT and not their opinion.  However, I guess that's the joy of putting it out there, right? If folks never know anything about me, the real me, what I think/feel/want, then they have nothing to judge other than the happy-go-lucky devoted mother/hard worker that I allow to be seen.  Which is safe.  But I am so so very TIRED of being safe, of not saying how I feel and what I want, all for the fear of people saying you know, that's a stupid decision.

So, with that said, so what if people think I'm stupid.  So what if they think that I'm making the wrong decision...it is mine to make.  I'm the one that will live with any possible consequences, I'm the one that will benefit if all is well.

Jake and I have been seeing a therapist.  It's been going on for a couple of months now, every week, and it has been WONDERFUL.  He's like a whole new person.  The finality of the divorce (it was official on 08/03/11) really hit him like a hammer.  We've been very careful about what the children are allowed to see/hear.  But...there's a very good chance that we have finally figured out where the problems originated and how to fix them.

(Side note-I highly recommend the book "Getting the Love You Want."  It's fantastic.)

We're communicating.  It goes beyond just saying hi, we actually TALK.  We have found common ground on where we stand.  And of course, what we discuss in therapy is private and protected, but the one piece of information that I am allowed to repeat is this-for things to work, we both have to be 100% totally committed to each other, have each others' backs, and not let anyone or anything stand in our way.  As the doc put it, it's us against the world.

I don't anticipate any support in this.  My sister was on board, but then she always is.  My mother backed me up, but was very hesitant.  The grandmother is a troll as always-possibly more so now than ever-but she's taking things in stride as much as she can.

I don't want to tell my brothers.  I don't want to tell my friends or my co-workers.  Granted, if I hadn't aired any of my problems to begin with, this wouldn't be an issue. In some ways that teaches me that what happens between me and Jake stays between me and Jake.  At the same time, I should be able to discuss issues with my friends and remain as such without judgment on their behalf, or having to fear that they suddenly think less of me.


I am doing well.  Exceptionally well.  I've lost a total of 50 lbs-I still have 50 to go, but by George, that's quite an accomplishment.  My doctor gave me a better health report this year-but I do have hyperinsulinemia (prediabetes) so I've changed my entire diet and am trying to exercise more.  The doc also gave me acne medication-here's hoping it works out for me as I've dealt with acne daily since I was 12.

My confidence is up, my happiness is soaring.  Things are going well.  Here's hoping that others folks can see it.  If not, their loss.

I Got Sunshine...

I haven't written in ages.  I haven't had the time or even the desire.  Things have changed-drastically and for the better.  Jake is gone.  The court date was yet again postponed because he won't go to mediation with me, but it is still happening.  He hasn't been as bad this time; his mood swings have been fewer and further between, and he hasn't yet come out and said he was seeing anyone.  That's okay, I haven't either.  Technically I'm not, but I do have a friend that I find myself wildly attracted to.  We've been out a couple of times, took our children to a movie together...I honestly enjoy spending time with said friend.  We have real, honest conversation for hours, and are both very into music/artsy stuff.  I at the very least have a fantastic new friend.

I've been making lots more new friends lately.  I did get that promotion, so I've been workingworkingworking...that tends to happen when you become a salaried employee vs hourly.  But outside of work, during the times when the kids are with their father and grandmother, I'm not sitting at home moping anymore.  I'm out, whether it's at dinner, at the movies, at the park, or wherever.  And I'm usually in very good company.  I'm afraid to say too much here until the divorce is final, just in case Jake ever stumbles upon it.

I don't have long to write, but wanted to check in.  Things are good.  I still have bouts of loneliness, I have times where I really wish I had someone to hold me (particularly when I was terrified during the recent storms), I have financial freakouts...but on the whole, I'm very close to happy.  I've lost weight, I'm wearing jeans I haven't worn in three years, I'm crocheting more (and getting paid for it!), I spend more time with the kids, I have more me time.  Your thoughts and prayers have been immensely appreciated, as always.  I just wanted to let you guys know they're working.

I love all of you.  Hope to write again very very soon.

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

I need advice-and I need it as soon as possible.  I'm faced with an upcoming event that will change my entire life, and I don't know what to do.

Easter Sunday: I woke up, got the kids and I dressed and ready for church, and set out to leave.  Jake would not get out of bed-not even to watch the kids open their Easter baskets.  So when I walked out to the garage and found his car parked behind me, I just grabbed his keys and went to move it.  Then, on instinct, I opened the console.  There was pot, and there was a bong.  I was furious, but I moved the car, took the keys in to him, then left for church.

I stayed gone for as long as I could-I went to a friend's house for an Easter egg hunt with the kids.  I came home, and he and his mother were in the yard.  He knew I wouldn't start in front his mother-I actually don't like to spread my business like that, no matter what he says about me.  I finally went inside for a nap when it became clear she wasn't leaving.  By the time she left, I was too tired to speak and he was ignoring me anyway.

Monday morning I tried talking-and was ignored and pushed away.  Jake promised we'd talk that night.  Monday night I came home and told him to proceed.  All he said was, "What do you want me to say?"  There was no remorse, no apology, and he acted so arrogant and sure of himself that it was infuriating.  Next thing you know, he was yelling at me and brought the kids' attention to it.  I went outside in the garage, sat in the dark and cried, praying.  I prayed for a sign, I prayed for peace within myself as I struggled to cope.

No more was said about it.  He's been somewhat attentive, but it's just annoying.  It's phony, and I'm certain he's still using.  I don't trust him, and I don't feel anything for him anymore.

Then today, I received a random email from my lawyer.  I have a court date scheduled-for MAY 11.  I could be done with all of this on MAY 11.  That scares me.  He still lives here, and he has no idea that the court date is still on yet.  I haven't figured out how to tell him.  I don't know how he'll react.  I don't know how I'll afford it.  I don't know how badly this will hurt my children.  I don't know how I'm going to arrange childcare.

A part of me is like yeah, go for it, this is YOUR time!  But another part of me is desperately afraid and wants to ignore the email.  This is my plea for responses.  PLEASE give me your opinion.  If you have this web address, then I value your opinion.  I need perspective...I need someone to hold my hand through this.  I'm scared.  I'm alone.  Please help.

Emotions Taking Me Over

I haven't written.  I haven't allowed myself time to feel.  I've been pouring all of my energies into my new job and my family and zoning out when I have alone time.  I spend every spare second doing mindless activities just to keep my fingers moving.

Then, when emotions finally catch up with me, they hit me HARD.  Hurt, anger, happiness-whatever it might be-once I allow myself to *feel* it consumes me.  Today's poison is anger.  It feels like I'm going to explode.  I went outside with my ipod and journal but even Grace Potter couldn't pull me back from the edge.  It was over something trivial, something that I would normally brush off.  It just seems like I've got this backlog of emotions that needed to escape and once I opened the flood gates it was all over.

I am very proud of myself for taking a step back though and not just allowing myself to pour all of that emotion out on an easy target.  By sitting outside I allowed myself time to think about it and realize that I wasn't really upset about what happened today. It also allowed me to figure out what my real problem was....but I don't know just yet how to handle the issues that have been building up.

I don't know how to get my rage to settle down...it's still here, lying just under the surface.  I think I'm gonna go soak in the tub for a bit.

Up To Speed

There's so much going on right now.  I got a promotion at work, which is wonderful and I'm thrilled, but this first bit is very time-consuming.  I look forward to the challenge, but I do admit my looong work hours have made it difficult to post anything here.

My 6-year-old cousin is in the hospital, riddled with cancer. The doctors have decided she isn't going to make it but they don't have any kind of time frame set for her.  If you pray, please do so for her and her immediate family.  It's such an unfortunate situation.

I have a severe sinus infection, ear infection, and laryngitis.  It makes for rough days of using my voice but squeaking every other word out.

My sister is in town, but I haven't seen her as much as I would like and she hasn't returned my calls for the last 2 days.  That probably has to do with the fact that she has been visiting our father, but still...it's difficult when I want to see her so much and I have to share her,

We did get to visit together last weekend.  I went up to Mom's to spend the night so that Mom wouldn't gripe about not getting to see my sister.  We shopped, we had dinner with our huge extended family, we got matching tattoos...it was wonderful overall. :)

Saturday afternoon we went to visit our grandparents' gravesite in Seymour.  Sis bought flowers and we spent some time cleaning off the tombstones.  We've both been up there several times, but we always went alone.  This was the first time we had gone together, and I thought it was really nice.  If our grandparents were looking down on us they'd have been proud of the young women that sat there holding on to each other to lessen the pain of life.  We reminisced, talking about the things we did with Mamaw and Papaw and how we used to squeeze in bed beside them.  Sis made sure it wasn't disrespectful then she laid down in the grass between their headstones, laying between them once again.  We sat and talked until it grew too chilly to stay any longer.  It was very peaceful, very calming.  This may be completely pointless to most people but it was a beautiful moment for my sister and myself...I wanted to make sure I addressed it so I could always come back and read about it/remind myself later.

I went back through and realized that I haven't written about my past in a while.  I know where I left off but I'm giving a mini-recap to help my brain sort through where I want to go with it.

• Kicked out, moved to AZ
• Married Nathan, moved to nowhere, TN
• Left Nathan for no good reason, moved to AZ
• Met Jake and got pregnant
• Tired of infidelity/lies, moved to TN to have my child

I remember coming home.  I remember being so scared of giving birth as a single mom, trying to figure out logistics of where I would live, where I would work, how I was going to pay for a child and all of the expenses that come along with him/her.  I just drove...I got really sick between Memphis and Nashville-the curvy roads did not agree with my pregnant sensibilities.  I cried most of the way.  I really didn't know what I was going to do.

Nathan was the one that sent me the money to move back to Tennessee. I still owe him that money plus about 5 billion dollars in interest.  I stashed my belongings at Minnie's house upon arriving, but I stayed at my mother's for the most part.  She got me a job with her as a janitor on the UT campus.  Talk about humiliating-having old school friends walk up to you when you're six months pregnant and scrubbing toilets for a living while they tell you about all of their classes and how wonderful their life is really sucks.  It happened quite frequently, actually....and I was always ashamed.  I was not at all proud of my job nor my condition.  

I had a brief fling with Nathan at this time. If I had half a brain, it would have been far more than a fling.  Here I was, pregnant with another man's child, and he still wanted to be with me.  My dumb ass didn't stay though.

I then became aware that Minnie and Jake had been talking on the phone and finally agreed to speak with him.  His forked tongue spun golden tales, and of course I believed every single one of them.  I mean, if a guy is willing to move 2000 miles just to be with the woman he loves it's proof he's willing to change, right?

Oh how very wrong I was.

It started small.  Late nights at work, snapping at me constantly, not holding me anymore, girls' phone numbers stashed in random places, phone calls that resulted in immediate hangups.....then I found out about the girls he was seeing and the drugs he was doing.  Every time it was the same, I would yell and cry and try to get him to explain, he would clam up and walk away.  He spent several nights sleeping in his car in parking lots.  It got progressively worse over the years...I could go into all of the ridiculous situations and the many times we said we would separate but I just don't want to.  This pattern continued for a very long time.  We bought a house, we had two children, life progressed-but he remained exactly the same.  And by the time I realized he was being emotionally abusive and the kind of trap I had myself in it was extremely difficult to extract myself from the situation because of the kids.

As it turned out, he left me, so I didn't have to worry about extracting myself.  Christmas 2009 was a very rough one for me...the day after Christmas we officially split.  we lived in the same home but we didn't speak. He moved out in February, to live with the one he called his "younger, prettier, skinnier" model.  Turns out he had been seeing her since the prior November.  When he left, I thought we'd be able to divorce amicably and figure out custody and things would finally be okay.

Again, my assumptions were waaaaay off base.  He went a little crazy himself.  He called me every single name under the sun-seriously, I don't think there's an insult he did not hurl at me.  (I don't like any of the words I'm about to use, but in order to accurately describe the situation it's necessary to repeat them).  I became a slut, a whore, a cunt, I had a cow's vagina, I was just like my mother, I was trash, I was fat, I was ugly, I had thousands of dimples in my ass, I slept with my entire family, my family was nothing but child-molesting trash....it just went on and on and on.

[For the record, none of them affected me as much as something he threw at me very early in our relationship, before I ever got pregnant-"I'm sorry I can't fuck you like your daddy."  That's the worst thing ANYONE has EVER said to me.]

His behavior became erratic.  I had to file an order of protection against him because he was constantly threatening me and leaving messages at my house and texting and calling and breaking things when he came to get the kids.  Then he started threatening to kill himself.  He took my kids walking on the railroad tracks.....and I flipped.  I actually left work that day and went and found him-he had already dropped my kids off at home.  I got him in the car, and I tried to take him to the hospital to get some help.  I was genuinely concerned about him.  He decided he didn't want to go, and jumped out of my moving vehicle in traffic just off the interstate ramp on Western Avenue.  I flipped.  I followed him for several minutes as he caused a complete scene, trying to coax him back into the car.  A friend from work saw him walking and even offered to stop and drive him home but he refused.  I eventually got him to get in, but I had to promise to take him to his house.  Two days later, Miss Younger-Skinnier-Prettier checked him in to Peninsula, and Mommy got to take the kids to visit Daddy at the hospital.  We were the only visitors he was allowed to have....that was actually nice because that meant Miss YSP couldn't be there to ruin things.  I'd already had to share Easter with my family with her.  

Upon his exit from Peninsula, Jake was doing quite well.  He was on meds-he was diagnosed as manic depressive by one doctor and bi-polar by another.  He was seeing a therapist, and his behavior/mood was improving.  

During this time I had reconnected with an old friend.  He had a little girl and was also going through a very painful divorce.  We hit it off right away and we dated-seriously-for several months.  Yup, there's that frying-pan-to-fire thing again.  He was very, very sweet to me.  My emotional (and sexual) needs were completely filled, and for the first time in years I was seen walking around with a smile on my face.  It was all well and good, but then once the first impressions wore off he became a mooch-and a pushy one at that.  I told him I didn't want him to live with me and he flipped, then we split.  That was in September last year.

Next thing you know, here comes Jake.  Same promises, same things as always.  I said no at LEAST 200 times, and I truly don't believe that to be an exaggeration.  Eventually he wore me down.  He promised marriage counseling.  He promised to be different.  This was in October.  Soon enough, he came home, and we started the cycle again.

And now?  Now I don't know where we stand.  I don't love him anymore-I don't even like him.  And honestly, I'm not even sure I ever DID love him.  He removed and blocked me from his Facebook, we don't speak about anything other than "the kids are going to the doctor on Friday" or "did you make the deposit yet?"

I can't stand this.  I don't know what to do.  I honestly cannot afford the alternative at this point in time.  How long do I remain in my loveless marriage???